Growing Up

A week from yesterday I will graduate from Purdue. I did it in 4 years, and I did it while devoting more of my time to an extra-cirricular singing ensemble than to my studies. Not a whole lot of people can say that, and I’m proud of myself.

The thing is, now I’m done with school. For the rest of my life.

I’m freaked out.

For the past sixteen years, the same thing has happened. I’ve turned another year older on the day before, of, or after the first day of school. Then I’ve made good grades, good friends, and good memories in the course of nine months. Then I’ve celebrated not going back to school until the day before, of, or after my next birthday. I knew what was coming with that next birthday: another year of school. But my next birthday is in a little over three months, and I have no idea what it will bring with it.

The hardest part about it is that everyone else around me seems to know where they will be in the next couple of years. My older sister, Michelle, is a graduate of Notre Dame’s Navy ROTC scholarship program, and her first 4 years of life outside of college were planned since her freshman year at St. Mary’s. She’s stationed in Pearl Harbor, where she is planning on staying for the remaining two years of her active duty. Oh yeah, did I mention that ROTC scholarships pretty much pay your entire tuition? My younger sister, Marla, just wrapped up her sophomore year in the pre-veterinary program, so she knows she’ll be at school for a loooong time. And now there’s me, the communications major, who got a couple $1000 scholarships here and there, but other than that pretty much freeloaded off of my parents for four years, didn’t manage to save up any money, and is now officially in debt for a car they had to help me buy?

I digress. Also among the people in my life who know where they’re going is Beth, my best friend and roommate, who got engaged last December to her boyfriend of 3 years. He is an engineer, so he’s already making more than I’ll ever dream of making unless I somehow get famous, and he’s living in Sacramento in an apartment that Beth will share with him when they get married next February. Beth is an English education major and has a semester of student teaching ahead of her, and then she knows where she’ll be living, whom she will be with for the rest of her life, and how she’s going to pay for stuff.

Finally, my boyfriend, Ryan, is already making more than I dare to hope I will this year, and he has two years of college under his belt so far. He is a youth director and recently took a full-time job as a church supply consultant for a Christian bookstore here in town. He also wants to go to seminary after he finishes his undergrad in religious studies. I envy Ryan because he can support himself and he’s two years younger than I am. It’s not fair of me to envy him because the fact that he can support himself is also a point of stress for him, as it is becoming for me.

I think the grass is always greener on the other side. I think, “If I only had a job.” Then I get a job and I think, “If I only had a job that paid better so I could support myself, pay my own bills, and not have to be in debt.” I’m sure it never ends. Right now I feel like being married would solve all my problems and make me feel stable and secure, but I also know that LOTS more stressors come with marriage. I think the whole key to growing up is getting yourself to believe that you’re ready to deal with the responsibilities, and the stress that goes with them.

Here’s one great thing: I do have a job. It’s only part time, which means I need to find another job to make the “real” money, but the great thing about this one is it’s exactly where I want to be. It’s my dream starter job. (So why am I complaining, right?!) I am a production assistant at the local TV station. It’s a great opportunity and a foot in the door for me, a girl trying to make it in the television business. I’m getting training and experience, and I get to stay in familiar surroundings near my family and my boyfriend. The challenge will be proving to myself that I can be independent amongst all of this support. That might not make any sense, so let me put it this way—I just want to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.

I love, love, love working at the TV station. Everyone is so nice, even the anchors and sports people and meteorologists. Everyone is willing to help you out. It’s a great place to learn. And on top of all that, I’m one of the lucky few who graduate and immediately gets a job in their field of choice. And the fact that I love my new job so much reassures me that I’m really in the right place. Still, I think I have this fear of never living up to my full potential, which is why I have this whole “grass is greener” complex.

Becoming a grown-up just makes things more complicated. I was working in the church nursery this morning and talking to Abby, a five-year-old who is very free-spirited and comes in almost every Sunday singing improvisational songs. At some point in our conversation this morning, I asked Abby what she wanted to be when she grew up.

“Well, I think I’d like to be a movie star, or a pop star,” she said casually. “Or a princess.”

“Let me know how that works out for you,” I said.

It immediately got me thinking, why do we give up on those things? Or do we really? I still want to be a movie star or a pop star. Or a princess! It’s not impossible to be those things. At least, not as impossible as we grown-ups think. I mean, I’ve accomplished those things on some small level in college. I had a small role in a classmate’s film class project…I played a dead body. But people totally recognized me when it was screened at the local movie theater. And as a member of Purdue Musical Organizations, I’ve sung in front of thousands and thousands of people. And I’ve been on PBS for the last three years, and this Christmas will be the fourth! So I’m a pop star of sorts, I guess. The only thing I haven’t been is a princess. But since my chances of entering a beauty pageant ever again are slim to none, I think I can kiss that ambition goodbye. Although I did the Miss Purdue pageant this year and I tied with another girl for the Spirit Award. I actually think I like that better than getting a crown anyway.

I think as we get older, our ideals of possibility shrivel up after too much exposure to reality. And we start to worry about where the money will come from, instead of knowing that we’re going to get our daily bread. I know I forget that a lot. Ryan had to remind me tonight.

I should be thankful that I’ve got a job where I get to do something I love and where I have promise of opportunities and growth, and I shouldn’t give up or worry that this start isn’t good enough. I shouldn’t settle for less than what I really want to be, and I shouldn’t freak out about how long it’s going to take me to get there.

I think that between Abby and Ryan, I got the best reality check of all today.