fire up the grill, get out the mustard, and put on your boots!

I'm ba-aaack!

OK, so this is the first REAL blog post I've had time to post in a while. And I know all the drama has been discussed all week, but I'm gonna go ahead and give you my personal reflections on the Bachelor's final two episodes.

*Melissa gets her "meet Ty" date with Jason and the little munchkin. Mel and Ty are VERY cute together. Thanks to her impressive stockpile of silly jokes, Ty takes to Melissa like a fish to water.

*Melissa seems to get what being a step-mom will be about: it's not about babysitting.

*Mel meets the parents, brothers, and sister, who all give her a really hard time about the fact that her parents wouldn't meet Jason on the show. And Jason doesn't do anything to try to make this easier for her; instead he says his favorite phrase: "It really sucked that I didn't get to meet Melissa's parents." Honestly, though, I get it. There's no way I could get engaged without my parents first meeting my intended. But there's also no way I could get engaged on a reality show.

*Did anyone notice how at dinner, Jason's family and Melissa all were seated on one side of the table...just like in a play! Or the "Last Supper!" I'm sure it was for the cameras, but it looked super-awkward.

*Ty loves Melissa.

*Dad loves Melissa.

*Now it's Molly's turn. She shows up with her usual raccoon make-up on. I don't dislike her, it's just that I'm on Team Melissa, and I think Molly needs to get a new look between the eyeshadow and ponytails.

*Ty hates Molly.

*Molly goes to meet the family; we can tell she's gonna hit it out of the park, especially with all this parent talk...her parents love Jason, Jason loved her parents. Jason's family is just drooling hearing about all this parental interaction.

*Does anyone else think Jason's sister looks like Claire Danes as Beth in Little Women? Why don't I have that movie on DVD?

*Jason has a heart-to-heart with Mom. He sounds infatuated with Molly. "Momma, what should I dooooo?" Mom tells Jason that marriage is "not always a bed of roses." Then she throws a wink to the on-scene producer as if to say, "You're welcome, ABC. That one's on the house."

*I feel like Jason's siblings are trying to talk him into picking Molly. Jason, stop talking to them and leave!

*Meanwhile, back at the ranch...or...New Zealand resort...Melissa calls her folks and asks if they'd be willing to talk to Jason on the phone and they agree.

*Mel's last date with Jason. She hops out of the car and slams the door with a cute little expression on her face that says, "Dammit I'm cute!" I love it.

*Melissa and Jason enjoy a wet n' wild cruise on a boat named "Cool Change" which I think is a shout-out to Little River Band.

*Now it's Molly's turn, and she's taking charge! Only her umbrella keeps turning inside out and ruining her plan to paint a picture for Jason of how good she would look in rainy Seattle.

*Umbrella hates Molly.

*Molly reveals to Jason her plan to take over the date. "Because I'm a winner," she says, just like Anna Sophia Robb's Violet in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory.

*Molly gets in her bikini and gives Jason a "sensual massage" (please read this out loud in your best Austin Powers voice, because that's how I'm saying it). I had to cover my eyes AND the screen here. I could not watch it.

*But wait, there's more! Molly makes stir-fry and then sits down with Jason to show him something she made for him...A SCRAPBOOK!!! This girl did her homework and knows that Jason loves crafting, especially for last dates before the final rose ceremony. She points out a very special scrap of paper: "This is the actual piece of paper I wrote my song on." Then in her head she finishes this sentence: "So we can sell that on E-Bay and set up a trust fund for Ty."

*Jason is now all alone in his deliberation suite. And uh-oh, there's a knock on the door. It's DEANNA!!! Poor, poor Jason. He is so confused and clearly uncomfortable when she demands a hug out of him. Deanna mentions that she feels more comfortable around Jason than she does around any other man she knows. Really? Because I'm pretty sure you two haven't been talking.

*Deanna first attempts to ask for another chance with Jason without appearing to be begging. And Jason has to swallow very hard to keep from laughing in her face.

*OK, so no more chances at stealing the show and a little more publicity. No matter. Deanna switches games and instead plays the role of the Ghost of Girlfriends Past, telling Jason to choose the safe person, not the wild card. Because she chose the wild card, and pissed off her parents, and then got bored, realized she hated snow and snowboarding, as well as Jesse's Quiksilver wardrobe.

*After Deanna leaves, the jeweler shows up to show Jason some sparkly rings. I always love this part of the show because it's kind of our final reminder of how ridiculous the concept of this show is: "Here is your very beautiful but limited selection of choices. You can't go outside and go looking on your own; you can only choose from what we've picked out and brought here for you. And whatever you end up choosing, you're expected to stick with for the rest of your life." Right? Every time we get to this part of the show, I'm like, "well that's not fair! He should get to go ring shopping on his own and pick something he really likes instead of having to pick from the handful of rings ABC picked out for him. Ohhhhh wait..."

*Molly arrives first to be proposed to. I always wonder if the limo drivers are rooting for a certain girl. Do you think they pick favorites? Place bets? Is Molly aware of any other way to wear her hair other than in a ponytail?!!!

*Molly keeps whispering to everyone. Is that what she does when she's nervous?

*Jason keeps saying "amazing." I think we know what that means...she's getting dumped.

*Jason delivers what I am convinced is a required ABC-mandated line: "I'm in love with someone else." Why do they always say that?! Everyone knows who "someone else" is!!!

*Molly tries to remember what Dad said ("no crying") and chokes 'em back while telling Jason she thinks he's making a mistake. The words that will go down in infamy in his mind.

*This goodbye is way too long. Keep this up, Jason, and you're gonna make her think you've changed your mind, or that you're punking her.

*After putting Molly in the car, Jason has an emotional breakdown. Ohp! Here's that famous balcony scene!

*Melissa shows up, and I think she looks like she's expecting to get dumped. She's already got a stiff upper lip. Poor girl.

*When she sees Jason, Mel does her signature jump n' hug, and almost does her signature move of wrapping her legs around him, but then remembers she's in a formal dress.

*When Jason proposes, I LOVE it that she turns around and screams! This girl has managed to stay very genuine in front of all the cameras. Then she gets down on her knees to join Jason and says, "You wanna marry me?!" Aww...what a beautiful happy ending! Now let's stay tuned to see how ABC ruins it.

*Final footage is of Melissa and Jason playing with Ty and jumping in to the pool with all their nice clothes on. A beautiful little family. But I realize there's another whole hour of "after the rose" drama coming up. I feel like I'm about to have my soul crushed.

*Ok, this "After the Rose" happened six weeks after the proposal, to put things in perspective. So they've been "together" for a month and a half...which is almost as long as they've known each other. And most of that time, they don't get to see each other, because they have to keep the relationship a secret. So...you know, just to put things in terms of reality here.

*Jason looks BAD. He tells Chris Harrison that he's still in love with Molly. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*Chris tries his hardest to convince us to stay on Jason's side with this. But it's not happening for Team Melissa. We're all thinking right now that Jason is a chump.

*Melissa comes out and I think it looks like she knows this isn't going to be good. She's been dumped a few times before, if you remember. When he tells her he feels like things are different with them and that he's still in love with Molly, she said what we're all thinking: "You're such a bastard."

*What did they GIVE Jason before he came out here? He's so uncharacteristically calm and void of emotion. Sedagive, anyone?!!

*Mel gives back the ring and storms off of the set. The cameras stay on Jason, who we can tell is trying very hard to squeeze out some tears, but he can't. The guy who cries through most of his entire season can't muster up a damn tear for this. He obviously doesn't care. And that makes me glad he dumped her now instead of later.

*And now, here comes No-Tears Molly! She looks like she's adjusted pretty well to life after the Bachelor. Apparently she's also been introduced to headbands. No ponytail today!

*Chris is really trying to set this up, asking Molly if she wishes Jason would change his mind and take her back. She has to know something is going on. Do they give these folks a reason why there's no audience? That has to at least tip them off that this isn't a typical "After the Rose" taping.

*Jason declares his love for Molly, seemingly minutes after dumping his former fiancee, Melissa. And after a couple obligatory phrases like "we still need to talk some things out," Molly starts sucking face with Jason, happy that she's the winner. And most of us are pissed. But here's the thing -- if this were a movie, and the guy broke up with his fiancee whom he didn't love and immediately went to find the true girl of his dreams and they kissed right then and there, we'd all be cheering. But when you try to put that in the context of real life, it just looks trashy. Also, I'm sure that in the movie, we would all kind of hate the fiancee, which would justify in our minds the "true love's kiss" at the end of the show. But you can't hate Melissa. It's just not possible.

*I don't feel like there's much to talk about in the Tuesday night special episode. Melissa is doing fine on her own, Molly and Jason are happy together, Stephanie agrees with what Jason did, Naomi is mad at Jason for hurting her girl Mel, and Kari is apparently one of our favorite bachelorettes of this season? The REAL news is that Chris Harrison announces who the next season's Bachelorette is, and we all cheer and applaud when we find out it's Jillian!!! She comes out on stage and talks about it a little bit, and looks very classy, and we all smile in anticipation of watching her sort out the mustards from the ketchups and sauerkrauts starting in May! We also all vow to wear boots with everything in support of our new favorite Bachelorette...wait, we didn't all decide on that? OK, nevermind.

OK, that's it! In other news, Children of Eden is off to a great start, and tonight my parents are coming and so it the local play critic who will write our review in the local paper. That makes me a little nervous, although the nice thing this time is that I don't have a main role so I don't think I have to worry about being personally picked on in the review...mostly I just want the show, our director, and the very sweet and talented leading ladies and gentlemen to get a good review tonight.

I'll let you know how it turns out! Until then!