Winter Break

Here's some irony for ya...I don't get a winter break this year for the first time since I was 5, because I'm not in school anymore...

But the term "Winter Break" applies to this time in my life better than I can possibly describe.

I'll describe it anyway :)

First of all, the break-up. This is the perfect time for a break-up, because everyone is gone, so none of these parties/get-togethers where people are telling you what they think about your break-up, and none of those uncomfortable moments where you both end up in the same place and everyone starts watching like you're suddenly the newest episode of "Grey's Anatomy." That actually happened once and I ended up crying...and not really because I was upset, but just because I felt all this pressure leaning in on me from around the room, and I literally cracked. So...none of those moments for awhile!

Also, some pretty big things happened...well, ONE pretty big thing happened just a few days ago. Our music director at Purdue announced that he was retiring, effective December 31. Which was a huge shock to people, since there are a lot of big things happening next semester that he won't be there for anymore. And it just makes everyone wonder...what's going to happen? This will change so many things for those kids. I am glad that a) I have already graduated and b) that it is winter break, so all the kids are at home where they can digest this with their families instead of rehash it at school...I mean, they'll do that anyway, but at least they'll have done it with their families first.

Finally, I got sick. It's just a cold, not the flu, but I honestly cannot remember the last time I've felt this gross. And since no one is in town and I don't have a boyfriend anymore, I can spend all day in bed, looking gross, and not having to go anywhere. I haven't been sleeping well because of being sick, so by yesterday I was exhausted when I got home from work. I went to bed about 9 a.m., and from then until about 6 this morning I have been in bed, with only small breaks for answering the phone (sometimes), going to the bathroom, taking medicine, and occasionally getting online for AIM, email, or facebook. And that's it! It's been a real break! All around! And it's not even Christmas yet!

I set up my first very own Christmas tree and did my shopping, and all my presents are wrapped and under my tree...and I'm so proud everytime I look at it! It's weird, for some reason I am the least excited for Christmas that I've ever been, and I don't know why. I am excited to go home, but I don't really feel like it's only a few days till Christmas, and I think it might be because every day at work just makes me feel like...every day is just another day. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's just that difference of not having a build-up. No Christmas show rehearsals, no finals, no packing and going home. I think that must be it. I have one day off to look forward to; Christmas Eve night/Christmas morning, and then on Christmas night I go back to the newsroom. Holidays come and go so fast because I don't get to relish them for days, just for hours. The only thing that gets me excited is Christmas shopping and wrapping presents. And looking forward to seeing the Christmas Show on TV!

Speaking of TV, here are my media picks of the moment:
TV...well, nothing is on TV right now thanks to the writers' strike, but here are some shows I started watching and hope to be caught up on by the time WGA lets Hollywood get back to business:
1. The Office -- I love Christopher Guest movies, and this is like if a Chris Guest movie were made into a TV show. I bought the first season on DVD, which to my disappointment only had six episodes...they must have really been counting on this one to fail! Which is understandable, considering the fact that it was based off of a British show of the same title. It's subte, dry, every-day humor and I love it. I am very much in love with the character Jim Halpert (who isn't?) as well as the Jim-Pam love story, or "JAM" as some fans call it. "The Office" never fails to cheer me up and give me stomach cramps.

2. Pushing Daisies -- I had seen the promos for this when the new TV season started, and it looked interesting, but I was busy enough watching "The Bachelor" on abc.com, so I didn't look into it. But I kept hearing my director obsess over it, so now that I've run out of other stuff to watch, I thought I'd give the show a look. I also found out that one of my favorite Broadway people, Kristen Chenoweth, is in it, so that was what really made me decide to check it out. I love it. It's like Tim Burton, Gilmore Girls, and CSI all rolled into one show! Every episode is like a little movie. It's whimsical, colorful, dark, and old-fashioned, with that rapid-fire wit of Gilmore Girls but finally in an atmosphere fitting of that writing style. And it's a murder mystery, so you just can't stop watching as every twist leads you to the next commercial break. Luckily, I was watching online and didn't have to sit through much of a commercial break! And Kristen Chenoweth even sings! The best part, too, is that when characters sing in this show, they just sort of naturally burst forth without needing an excuse to, and for this show, that works and makes sense. That's hard to do in a movie, let alone a tv show! More about that in the movie section...

Movies...
1. I rented "The Wendell Baker Story" from a redbox and it was really good. One of those movies that got totally missed by everyone, even though it was written and directed by the Wilson brothers (Luke, Andrew, and Owen -- actually Owen just acted in it). It was a quirky little story about a con man who decides to clean up his act after his shinannigans cost him his girl, his best friend, and some prison time. He goes to work in a retirement home where he finds out about the shady dealings of the owner and decides to help out, and make friends with, the hilarious senior citizen residents. The movie isn't flashy or over-the-top in any way, which is probably why it flew under the radar for the public, but to say it's worth the dollar it costs to rent it at a redbox vending machine for the night is an understatement.

2. High School Musical 2. Yes, I bought it. I am a sucker for this stuff. It's campy, cheesy, and not made for people my age...but I totally don't care. This is the part of me that never got past the age of 12: I love any show where singing and dancing is involved, and I love Ashley Tisdale. This movie was even better than the first one because there were much more songs, especially big group numbers, and the dancing was a lot more complicated. Also, this had more of a musical feel to it because more of the songs came out of the storyline and happened "spontaneously," whereas in the first movie most of the music was explained by an audition or even kareaoke. I am one of those people who wish life was a musical, and in that musical, the singing and dancing tells the story, everyone already knows the words, and uniform dance moves happen not because someone taught it that way, but because everyone was feeling the same emotion, which led them to move as one. Of course! So I respond better to a show where the songs seem to kind of just happen, rather than be rationalized. Because it's less realistic! Makes perfect sense, right?

Ok, that's all I have for now. Time to find something to eat and start cleaning up my "sick person" mess around the house!

Feels Like I'm Drowning...

...in a river of tears.

I had to break up with Ryan. Things just weren't going anywhere. He's not happy, and I'm not happy. So we decided to break up. And I'm a wreck. Tomorrow would have been two years and...it's so hard to let go. And I can't stop crying. I mean, when I'm at work I don't cry, but as soon as I'm not around anyone else, I just start sobbing. Like, as soon as I walked out of the station door, the tears started rolling. And I sobbed all the way home. And I've been sobbing ever since. And that's been like, almost two hours. I actually have a stitch in my side from hyperventilating. That makes me want to laugh, but not really. It actually just makes me want to cry.

Why is it so hard, even though you know it's the right thing to do?

The people in the apartments around me probably think the building is haunted from the way I've been bawling. I'm sorry to them. But I'm just so sad, it physically hurts.

I hate it.

Oh my God, I hate it.

My First Snow Day!

(File this under things I never want to forget.)

So, today was my first "snow day," as they call it at the station.
All week the weather team was forecasting snow for late last night and this morning. And they were absolutely right! It snowed last night when I was on my way in to the station, and kept snowing all night long.

We already had a plan--someone was going to do a live shot from the outside deck so everyone could see the snow. And I was counting on some breaking news; a crash or something like that, or at least police reports of bad road conditions.

But it wasn't until about 3:15 this morning that I heard anything. The scanner had been mostly quiet, and then I heard it; the big story.

A Greyhound bus had slid off the road on the interstate. At least eleven injuries, broken bones, head and neck injuries. I called our video guy to go shoot it. Not long after that, it sounded like almost every emergency vehicle on duty was being sent to this crash.

Then the anchors came in, excited about the show. Then the tape guy came in, not excited about the live shot. In fact he was, I think, 65 percent sure that it wasn't going to work.

And he and our anchorman got in an argument about it.

So now the tape guy is in a pissy mood.

And then the calls started to roll in. Schools with 2-hour delays.
Wait, wait. Before the calls came, the anchors gave me this rapid-fire crash course in how to answer the phone, and they choose to do this as I'm trying to edit videos for the show:

"If you have time, ask them why they're closing school--"
"But no matter what---"
"That way we can get the information just in case--"
"And Lisa--"
"--we need it. But if you're getting tons of calls, don't worry about. And--"
"Can I finish please? Lisa, whatever you do, make SURE you repeat back to them what they told you. Because you don't want to get it wrong. You may think you understood them, but then you'll hang up and think, 'I'm not sure what they said, alternate kindergarten or NO kindergarten?'--"
"Yes, and make sure you understand the difference because you might hang up and then think, 'Did they say alternate kindergarten or NO kindergarten?'--"
"--And you'll get mixed up, like, 'Was it Clinton Central or Clinton Prairie, or Prairie Central'--"
"Yeah, so write it down because you won't be able to post it that fast and other calls will be coming in--"

And that's how that went. And THEN the calls started coming in. And then the show started. And then the live shot didn't work. And then we were two minutes heavy. And then the live shot worked. And then we were four minutes heavy. And then the phone was ringing off the hook in the newsroom, but not in the control room. So I was sprinting back and forth to answer the phone to get the school delays, meanwhile trying to figure out how to get rid of four minutes of content.

Finally the engineer found out what was wrong with the phone in the control room: someone had disconnected it. So he plugged it in, and immediately it started ringing. From then on, I was juggling a show that was four minutes too long, a frustrated anchorman and tape guy, and a phone that was ringing non-stop. Literally every time I went to post a school delay, I got interrupted because another school was calling. And then a school called because they had called ten minutes ago and didn't see their names on the crawl, and I had to explain to them that I couldn't get the schools' names up because people kept CALLING. But finally the calls died down, and I got them posted on the live crawl. And finally I found four minutes to cut out of the show.

And then it was like a train slowing into a station; we hit a rhythm, got everything under control, and we finished the show. I felt like I had just waded through crap, or mud, or something thick and nasty, but I was proud of myself for getting to the other side. And everyone felt pretty good about it, once the anchorman and the tape guy calmed down.

Then I stayed for two extra hours to do live cut-ins with updates, and then the video guy came outside and helped me get the snow off my car while he did hilarious impressions of all the people who work at the station. Then I got in my car and came home! What a day!

And now I'm sitting here at my computer, with a beautiful scene to my right through the open blinds of a wintery wood out my window. And I'm inside, cozy and warm, and hungry! I think I'll make cheese dogs and maybe some chips and salsa.

Oh! Also some quick updates.
I put up a Christmas tree. My first one. It's artificial, but it's 6 feet tall and the perfect size for my apartment. It has white lights, gold glass bulbs, and a gold tree skirt. Nothing under it yet because I don't have enough money to go Christmas shopping until my next paycheck. The only thing under it is a bag full of clothes that I need to take to Goodwill. I can't wait to wrap my gifts and put them under the tree to wait for Christmas!

OK, media favorites of the moment:
-Music: The "Enchanted" soundtrack. It's written by Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz, who basically turn to gold eveyrthing they touch. It was really fun driving through the snowy town with this whimsical music as a background!
-TV: The Office is my new addiction. It's so funny that I laugh just thinking about it. I've watched all the episodes available on NBC.com. I'm going to have to buy Season One on DVD and start from the beginning. I hope the writer's strike ends so I can see more episodes from this season! Also, I'm very excited because CBS is going to do a winter edition (first ever) of Big Brother! As you know, I was totally addicted to this show over the summer, and I think it's a brilliant way to deal with the writer's strike. And it comes just in time; Kid Nation is two episodes away from being over, and The Bachelor is long finished, so I'm going to need another reality vice to sink my teeth into.
-Movies: I've been revisiting the Austin Powers franchise...with the commentary. And it's really great! Mike Myers seems like a really sweet guy in real life; it's so funny that he can come up with such raunchy characters. Those movies are funnier every time I watch them.

Ok, that's it for me. I've been away from this for so long, and I can't do that anymore because I end up writing too much when I do come back. So hopefully it'll be sooner than later when I write again and I won't have to worry about that!

I'm starved. Cheese dog time! Happy snow day!

Things I Don't Want to Forget: Nice Legs

Just some random stories from the newsroom...part one.

One day, while I was floor directing for the noon show (before I became a producer), our interview guest was a transvestite. I had never seen one up close and personal; in fact the only others I'd ever seen had been hanging out on the darkly lit dance floor of the Neon Cactus (and in the ladies' bathroom of the Neon Cactus...how does that work, by the way?). But I'd never talked to one before.

He was physically, medically a guy. He hadn't had any operations, and he didn't even speak in a feminine voice; actually he had a very nice baritone voice. But he preferred to be called "she" and went by a girl's first name.

The whole point of this interview was to promote a forum that night for transsexual issues, and this guy--excuse me, girl--was a panelist. So of course, all of us were trying to act very open-minded and 21st-century about it all, not to be pegged as one of those biggots against which this guy--girl!--was constantly defending himself. Herself. And her way of life.

Well, it was my job to explain to her where to sit and how to put on the lapel mic. She was wearing a powder-blue skirt suit, the jacket of which had blue sequin trim on the collar and lapels. She was also wearing black stilleto heels.

And way too much perfume.

She had peroxide-blonde hair (obviously not her natural color), blue eyeshadow (circa 1984) and about as much blush as we used to wear in the Purduettes. And lipstick.

Our senior-most anchorman did a smash-up job at the interview, and ventured to ask some rather personal questions, which she seemed to be comfortable answering. She talked about discrimination, and how she'd been called a faggot (at which our director said, "I don't think we can say that on the air"). And at one point, among the very un-21st-century comments of the guys back in the control room who didn't have to worry about being open-minded because they were one room away, the producer said, "Well, I have to hand it to her...she does have nice legs."

It was very educational, to say the least, but when she finished the interview and walked off the set, she left behind, along with that strong scent of whatever perfume she was wearing, even more questions than we'd had when she had arrived.

One of the anchor women and I discussed that we had many more questions to ask this person, although we probably would've been way too embarrassed to ask them.

Here are the questions I would ask in my (imaginary, editorial, and totally inappropriate) interview.

1. You said you relate more with female qualities and behavior than male qualities and behavior. So why don't you feel more inclined to talk like a woman?

2. Why do you wear so much makeup and perfume? Are you trying to compensate for your masculine features?

3. Normally a woman of this decade would be considered cheap, flashy, or out-of-date if she wore her makeup like you wear yours. Do you think you look classy and professional as a woman? Who or what motivated you to do your makeup like that?

4. Most women would be considered cheap, flashy, or out of date in a sequined suit like that. Do you feel like you'll be taken seriously as a woman by wearing this outfit?

5. You are dating a woman (she was). So are you gay because you consider yourself a woman and are attracted to a woman, bisexual, or straight but you just like to dress like a woman?

6. More interestingly, is your partner gay because she's attracted to someone who passes himself off as a woman, or is she straight and attracted to a man who just likes to dress as a woman but still has all the male working parts? Or is she bisexual?

7. Would you and your partner be legally allowed to be married since you are technically a man and a woman?


8. When I helped you put on your mic for the interview, I accidently brushed your chest. You said you have had no operations, so I'd like to know, what are your boobs made out of? How did you decide what size you wanted them to be?

9. Do you ever read fashion magazines? Where do you turn for fashion inspiration and information?

10. Is that your real hair? Why did you decide to go with blonde? Is it because you feel that blonde is the ultimate in femininity?

11. Isn't it interesting how easy it is for me to be catty and critical of your looks? I guess in that sense I think of you as a woman. Do you find this true with other women?

I'm not trying to be mean or narrow-minded by asking these quesions. They are just questions generated by meeting her. And they're questions I'll probably never get answered.

The last thing I'll say about this experience is that, as soon as we went off the air for the afternoon, the phones started ringing off the hook. People could not believe we'd have someone like that on the news! Someone said he lost his appetite while he was eating lunch and watching our show on his TV.

All I can say is, boy am I lucky I saw it live!

That is one thing I don't want to forget.

Where Are You, Christmas (Show)?

It's mid-October. It's starting to get cold. And the normal American is getting ready for Halloween.

I'm ready for Christmas.

For the past 4 years I have spent this time of year putting in serious time learning various arrangements of Christmas songs and carols for the Purdue Christmas Show. And before those 4 years, I was at least starting to learn a Christmas song or two for one choir concert or other. This year, I'm not doing that, and it's weird. There is definitely a void.

So today I had to give in to the urge and pop in an old Christmas Show rehearsal CD on my way home from work. I almost cried; I am really going to miss being in that show.

Don't get me wrong; it's fantastic not to have the stress and anxiety connected with preparing for a show of that magnitude. But Christmas Show was my favorite part of Purduettes, PMO, and Purdue. I spent all year getting excited about it, and I never got tired of rehearsing for it. When the curtain finally rose in front of a live audience, I was in my element. Nothing else will ever be like performing on that stage, and it's a little sad not to look forward to having that thrill this year.

On the other hand, I am building up anticipation to being in the audience for the first time since I was in high school. I will definitely have a different kind of appreciation for it now that I've been a part of it. And maybe I'll get to sing with the alumni onstage during the carol sing.

P.S. -- I finished training for the producer job today. I did the whole show by myself, pretty much, and it went well! I am excited about flying solo come Sunday night. I really need to watch "Anchorman" again...so many references come to mind now that I'm writing what goes in the teleprompter and dealing more directly with the anchors, but they don't come to mind as readily as they should. I've forgotten a lot from that movie. Time to brush up!

Well, it's past my bedtime. Merry Christmas and a Happy Halloween!

Good Night! How Are You?

I am a little nervous; tonight I begin training for the new producer position I'm starting. I go in at eleven tonight and stay till seven in the morning, so I'm getting ready to go to bed now in order to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for a long night...day...of learning! I get the feeling that working this shift is going to feel like pulling consecutive all-nighters to get projects done in college. What a nightmare! The good thing is, if I get good enough at it, by December I could be working evenings again, unless I decide I like this shift too much to move. Only time will tell! Usually I'd be helping Ryan with his youth group this evening, but I figure I might as well start off on the right foot and get some sleep, and Ryan encouraged me to do just that.

Here's something I just realized today about my new hours: I don't work Fridays! I mean, I end my Friday workday at 7 a.m. and then I don't have to work all weekend until Sunday night! The only problem is, what do I do on Sundays? Sleep in the morning, or in the evening? That will take some figuring out.

I just hope I can do this. I know I need to have confidence in myself because that is the only thing that will keep me from feeling like a complete failure. I have lots of ideas for improving the show, but I will have to get the basics down first!

OK, time for bed, I guess. Weird. Gotta love working in television!

Mary Tyler Moore

I know, I know...what happened to September? Let's just say it was a blur. I adjusted to working this time of the year, not going to school, and balanced my three jobs. Then at the end of September, I got promoted to a full time job at the station as a production assistant in the mornings! I love the morning people, so I was elated, not to mention eager to get a bigger paycheck. I have just completed my second week as a full-timer, and I just accepted a new job.

I know, I know...what??? How does that happen?

It happened because our morning producer got an offer from his hometown station and decided he wanted to go back. He has been working here for not even as long as I have, and he's already moving on! Well, about the same time he decided to leave, we got two new production assistants on part-time. One came in for the mornings to get the experience of a 4:30 am - 1:00 pm work day, and as we were waiting on the floor to do the noon news show, the anchors asked the new guy what he wanted to do as far as a career path.

"I want to do engineering for television," he said. And believe me, we need more of those. One of the anchors then turned to me and said, "What about you, Lisa?"

"What about me?"

"What do you want to do eventually?" he asked. I said I thought I might like to produce.

"Well, don't you know we have a morning producer position open now?" he said. "You should apply for it." I told him I didn't think I had the training or experience needed.

"Oh, we train people all the time," said the other anchor. "You could do it."

"You should talk to the news director," said the first anchor. "In fact, I'll make a note to say something to her myself."

And that's how it all started. Word gets around in a small, small station, and before I knew it, my old buddy the evening weather guy was leaving notes for the morning crew: "Lisa should take that producing job."

Well, I did talk to the news director, and she was interested in looking into this possibility. So I have spent the last few days shadowing a couple of the producers to find out more about the job and what it entails. And today, I went to the news director to talk, and our conversation ended with her giving me the job. I guess it's not official yet; I still have to sign the contract and work out details with the production manager, but I start training Sunday night.

I have to sign a contract. Is this a real job or what?

I called my mom and told her, and we both stuttered excitedly on the phone, speaking mostly in incomplete sentences that trailed off to "...wow." I then hung up, put my paycheck in the bank, and started to drive home.

As I crossed the bridge over the Wabash, I started to cry.

I'm so stunned. I can't believe it's true. After I walked out of the office, I thought, "Did that just happen?" But it did. And I'm going to be a producer.

I haven't told Ryan yet, and I can't wait to! He's going to call soon, and then I'm going shopping!

I don't know if you've ever seen the Mary Tyler Moore show, but it's about a girl who's out of college, single, and living alone for the first time. She gets a job as associate producer at a local news station in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I bought the first season of this show on DVD, and I love it. It's very relatable to my life. Well, while I was on the phone with my mom, she said, "You're gonna have to watch another episode of Mary Tyler Moore!" And I said, "I know, that show IS pretty much my life!" Especially now. I know it's corny, but I just love that theme song..."You're gonna make it after all."

Everything's looking up. I've been decorating my apartment, and I finally have it to the point where I want it....it looks really good! My next goal is to budget for a pet. Today our "Pet of the Week" on the noon show was a pair of sweet, mellow cats, and playing with them made me really want a cat. I want a dog, too, but cats are a lot easier to take care of, as well as easier to find. If I got a dog, I would want a specific breed, and if I want a cat, I just want a sweet personality. We'll see. Oh! I also finally have internet in my apartment. I feel like I've officially moved in!

More later, and more often!
Lis ;)

Who's Having the Best Week Ever?

I am!

I just spent a week without talking to Ryan, which was tough, but I reminded myself that Michelle spends half the year not being able to talk to anyone but the people on her ship. So I was very constructive and worked out every day, worked like a dog, and made some moolah, all the time with that anticipation of talking to and seeing Ryan. Don't you think that you appreciate someone so much more after you've been away from them for a time? It just helps you not take things for granted so much. Then I got to see my two best friends from the start of our freshman year at Purdue together.

I saw Katy at Scotty's; she was there with Sam and his mom and dad, after getting him moved back to Purdue. She just finished her first week teaching sophomores English! She's a real teacher! We both talked about how it's great to have our own places all to ourselves, even though the first couple nights alone are a little scary.

I had lunch with Beth today and we did a lot of catching up. She's got 6 weeks of class and then student teaching, so it'll be nice that she'll be in and out of town for the next month or so. I think she's getting to the point Katy and I were earlier during senior year; where is my life going, I'm going to be on my own, etc. The thrill of independence but also the scariness of not knowing what's coming next. Anyway, she, Katy, and I are going to try to plan a trip to my number one destination of choice: New York!

Let me back up and tell you more about where Ryan was all week. He was at Glee Club camp! They weren't allowed to have their cell phones, hence the no talking to him for the week. He came back and I had the best night listening to him tell me about camp! He's in a new specialty group, "Boiler Boys" based on "Jersey Boys," the musical about the Four Seasons. And Beth's already heard them (she went to their show at camp) and said they were great! I can't WAIT to hear Ryan sing at the Glee Club's show on Friday!

More reasons I'm having the best week ever: I now have the soundtrack to the musical version of "Legally Blonde" thanks to Beth, and it's very funny! If you're a fan of the movie, you'll love the music. Hopefully I'll get to see this in New York...hmmm! Also, High School Musical 2 came out this weekend. I actually have yet to see the entire thing, but what I've seen is cute and very catchy. What can I say, they've hit the jackpot with this franchise. I know it's a little cheesy, but it's great and it's great for kids to get into singing and dancing, and it's great material for school music departments to get kids involved. And I love it.

And now there's a possibility of my getting hired full time at the TV station! Keep your fingers crossed! I hope it works out. I'll definitely keep you posted.

Lastly, I turned 23. Nothing exciting happened except that I am now officially off my parents' health insurance. But, hey, it's a birthday! And I love birthdays! Caitlin took me to lunch on my birthday, and that was nice. And Ryan said he's going to take me shopping for stuff for my apartment. Yay!!! He knows I love my birthday, and since he had to miss it altogether due to being at camp, he said we'll get to celebrate now that he's back. And he does know how to make a girl feel special. Can't wait!

Well it's time to make some TV magic. And I don't have to go to school tomorrow! How cool is that?

Good night!

And We're Baaaack!

Just back during some downtime at the station to update on a couple things. As you know if you've been reading, I'm addicted to BB8, and it's really starting to get intense. One contestant is Eric, America's Player, which means that he is sort of "controlled" by anyone who wants to vote in the U.S., and they submit votes every week to tell him who to try to put up for eviction nominations, and most importantly, who to vote out of the house. This is hard for Eric, because he came into the house with his own game plan and now has to modify to what America requests from him, and the last two eviction elections, America told him to vote against his alliance, which was very risky. Well, everyone in the house sort of figured out that it was he who was casting the wayward votes, and last week Daniele as HOH had a personal vendetta to get Eric out of the house. He was almost back-doored, but some loyal alliance votes saved him...for this week. Now his best friend in the house, Jessica, is HOH, which would be good for him except that she really questions her ability to trust him after all the talk last week.

Here is where I have to say...America, what are you doing?! I know some people have said they don't like Eric, and I'm sure that some are trying to sabotage him to get him out of the house, but I think that once that happens, all those voters will regret it, because now they will have nothing to do but sit and watch the show, having no input or feeling of control with the show. Furthermore, the whole reason Daniele went on her campaign anyway is because during an endurance competition in the backyard, someone flew over the BB house with a banner saying that Eric was a liar. If it weren't for negative outside influence, Eric would still be playing the game without any backlash like he's getting now. My personal opinion is that Eric is kind of a tool, but I have to admire the way he plays the game, incorporating his assigned tasks with his own style. He's smart, and he deserves to stay in the game because he's playing it smart. Now everyone thinks he voted the way he did because he was trying to set someone up, but the truth is that he was just doing what he had to do as part of the game. I can't wait to see what happens when Dick and Daniele find out Eric's role in this game.

Enough about that! I know it's kind of lame to be into that kind of stuff, but it's fun, and it's all that I get on TV besides crime shows. CBS needs to run more sitcoms, by the way. We've got three different CSIs, Without a Trace, Cold Case, Close to Home, Ghost Whisperer, 48 Hours Mystery, NCIS, and The Unit. Gimme a break, I need something fun to watch!

Current music tastes: I've been listening to Christmas music (already getting excited for the Purdue Christmas Show as usual) and any other recordings of PMO, just because I'm excited to see upcoming shows as the new season begins. I also feel like the Christmas music may help me think chilly thoughts and stay a little cooler during this heat wave! (I feel bad complaining about the heat; Michelle is in the middle east and I know it's hotter there than it is here!)

Movies I'm into at the moment: Anything by the Chris Guest/Eugene Levy troupe (Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman, A Mighty Wind, This is Spinal Tap). I just watched Spinal Tap for the first time and it was great! So funny to see these guys when they were younger! I'd like to get my own copy of Waiting for Guffman, and I'd also like to find the new one they made last year called "For Your Consideration," but I haven't seen either anywhere. I also decided yesterday that I should own more musicals. All I have is The Wizard of Oz and High School Musical (does that really count?), so last night I went to Target and bought "Hello, Dolly!" and "The Wiz." I love Dolly...I think if I could ever have a dream role, that would be it, that meddling, fast-talking lady! I was actually in The Wiz in high school, and the movie is so much cooler, and Ryan had expressed a desire to see it awhile back, and it was only five bucks, so that's why I got that one.

Final notes: Today at the restaurant it was so busy that nobody got to leave until the night time shift got there, and even then everyone was there for about an hour getting everything caught up. I was finally excused at 5:00 because I was supposed to have been at the station at 4! With freshman orientation around the corner, everyone was in town for the "last supper" and, apparantly, everyone decided to come to our restaurant! At one point this afternoon, I thought, "I hate this restaurant." Let's just say if you want to know how I like my job, ask me tomorrow! I am still in my uniform right now; I didn't go home to change over the dinner break after the first newscast because I wanted to stay to make up the hour I lost while at the restaurant. And look what I'm doing! Clearly, it's a slow night at the TV station.

That's all for me today. Really.

Lis

Moving In and Moving On

I am "officially" moved in to my apartment now! (I still have a mess of boxes and other stuff in my closet to deal with, but the point is...it's in the closet.) I even have my phone line working! Ryan called me yesterday, dialing my new number for the first time ever! I still have to get my internet set up in the new place, but I did move my computer and it is up and running, and now it really feels like home. I know, I'm such a nerd that I didn't feel at home until I could use my computer! Pictures to come, I promise!

No-Name Betta Fish is doing well; is it wrong of me to enjoy putting his bowl on top of a mirror sometimes to watch him fight with himself? I just love how big his fins get; they're like big streamers! Yesterday I stuck the end of a pen in the water just to mess with him, and his gills flared out. He didn't attack the pen, though. I haven't given him an official name. I call him Phin a lot, though, and I think he's getting used to it (she's craaaay-zeee....).

Ryan is going back to Glee Club and being a full-time student. I am so proud of him, especially because of the road he's taken to get to this point. I'm trying not to be too overbearing while still showing enthusiasm. I can hardly help it; I think it's a bad combination of me not going back to PMO this year and Ryan being on his way back in...if I'm not careful I'll be trying to live vicareously through him! And I don't want that to happen. I definitely want this to be his own experience. I'm so excited to go see his shows, though.

It's not really that weird that I'm not going back to school--I really like it! It is weird not going back to Purduettes. I still say "we" in reference to the Purduettes, which I'm sure won't wear off for a long time. Hey, I'm proud to be a part of that legacy. I'm not really sad about any of it, just happy to get to experience it a different way; visiting, going to shows, etc.

OK, time to make some TV. Pictures to come!

Fish

I went to buy a new fish, and I decided not to get another Black Moor because the tank my first fish had come from had 5 or 6 dead fish floating in it when I got there last night. I decided maybe...those fish are sick. I got a male betta this time because my sister has had pretty good luck with them, and so have others, and so I figured I would too. But just to be sure, I thought I would follow the instructions I found on the lid of the little bowl the fish came in. It said, "Feed sparingly once a day." Ok. So I went to get some betta fish food, and read the instructions on the back of the can, which said, "Feed several times a day."

What??!

Here is what I've realized about myself based on this experience, and others of a similar nature: I am a rules-follower. I figure I can't go wrong as long as I read and follow the instructions. But when I get multiple directions, I don't know which ones are the right ones, and I'm left on my own to decide for myself. What am I going to do when I'm a parent someday? I know I'll have advice and books that all say different things, plus the distinct probability that nothing will go the same way twice. I guess I just need to figure out how to sift for the important and most vital information.

I'm catching up on Pirate Master, and they have their first female captain! She is really smart, and it's funny that she's been sort of flying under the radar until this point, although I think everyone's noticed she's very capable the entire duration of the show. It's too bad this show has been taken off the air, but I'm glad I get to watch it online.

Ok, time to fold towels!

Moving

Wow, lots and lots of things going on since I've written. Mostly that I've moved to my first new place all to myself! I can't tell you how exciting and even a little scary it is. It's so much fun to have my own place to do whatever I want, but I also worry sometimes about where all the money is going to come from. I mean, I really looked into things to make sure I could afford them, but sometimes it's hard not to buy something I want for my apartment or for myself because I need to save that money for something more important. Just part of growing up!

Mom, Dad, and Marla are at the lake as of tonight, and this is the first year of my life that I won't be there with them. It's kind of weird, but I realized a year ago that this could very well be the case, so I was mentally and emotionally prepared for it. Right now I just literally can't afford taking a week off of work. Just another part of growing up!

It's weird that people are getting ready to come back to school and I'm not. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, and I love that! It's so exciting to not worry about homework, rehearsal or show call times, or classes. I'm so excited about visiting the Purduettes and going to some of their shows. It's just so great to be on a different schedule, one that I have a little more control over. I really miss the girls in Purduettes, though, and I will miss singing every day and having my voice in great shape. But I've gotten so much out of PMO, and I'm ready to be a part of PMO alumni.

Marla bought me a fish for my birthday, and I put it in a bowl, and about 24 hours later, it died. Pretty sad to flush a fish down the toilet when you haven't even had him long enough to think of a name for him. On the other hand, we weren't very attached to each other, so it wasn't as sad as it could've been. I'm going to get a new one, and this time get a tank that has a filter or pump or whatever, because I think the fish will have a better chance of living that way. I know this all might sound lame, but having someone to come home to, even if it's just a fish who doesn't remember what happened 60 seconds ago, is a comfort, and gives me something to look forward to at the end of the day.

I haven't had much time to be lonely though, because I'm usually working, and when I am home I'm working on putting the apartment together. It's already starting to look like my own cute little place. My bathroom is all finished, except for hanging pictures on the wall. It's so cute; it's blue and tangerine, and everything matches, from the shower curtain to the faux flowers and vase to the candle to the organizing rack. I always just kind of got everything in different colors and never had things matching up, like an entire room, but that's what I'm trying to do with my place now and it's working out really well. I just finished getting my bedroom organized, and it was pretty easy to match all that with a color scheme I like: pink, black, and white. I got a new pink comforter which is so perfect and cushy, and everything else I own that goes in my bedroom matches the color palette, so all I had to do was get it all organized. All I need to do there is hang up pictures and posters on the walls and maybe add a few more accessories. (And a full-length mirror! I haven't seen my whole body in a few days! That's weird!) Really the things that still do and will take the most time and work are the kitchen and the living room.

Before I go, some media highlights for anyone interested. Did I already tell you to go see "Hairspray?" If I have, I'll tell you again. The cast is amazing; not only is it stacked with stars who all play their parts to perfection, but the newcomer lead, Nikky Blonski, is such an amazing performer. She is adorable, and from the moment you see her as a lump under her bedcovers moving to the beat in her head, you are rooting for her. The soundtrack also stands alone as a great album. Right now I am catching up on Big Brother 8. Mindless entertainment? Yeah. Fun to watch? Uh...yeah!!! I am totally rooting for Dick and Daniele, estranged father and daughter stuck in the house together. I like both of them for some reason and I really hope they get their relationship to a true father-daughter relationship, and it looks like they're on the right track. I also have to say that Julie Chen has the biggest hair on television.

OK, time for me to go find a fishy tank and a fishy! Maybe I'll post pictures when I get my apartment finished. More later!

Apartments, the F-Word, and the Black Cauldron

My mom came into town Friday to help me do my last bit of apartment hunting. I had narrowed it down to three places, and it was really helpful to have her second opinion as I made a final choice. I decided on an apartment complex just a few minutes from downtown and the campus area, which is great for both of my jobs. I'm so excited to move in, which is good because I start moving in less than two weeks! It's crazy how fast it's all happening; after almost 2 months of searching for a place to live, I called, toured, and signed an apartment in a matter of less than 24 hours. And here's the best part: signing for this apartment is the first thing I've really done on my own. No co-signers, like I've had for my car and my bank accounts and everything else in my life so far. It makes me a little nervous, but also excited and proud of myself. I just know that I'm going to have to watch my finances, which sounds really un-fun but that's just part of growing up. Mom and Dad said they're proud of me for being able to do this, which really makes me feel good too.

Listen to all the cool stuff about this apartment! It's got one bedroom, a living room, a kitchen and a decently sized bathroom (definitely bigger than the one I have now!). The complex has laundry (which costs about 2 bucks a load...I'm gonna miss the noisy washer and dryer at my place!), an outdoor pool, an indoor hot tub (eeee!!!), a little workout center (with ellipticals!), a one-mile wooded walking trail, and places to picnic and grill out. I'm so pumped about the outdoor space as well as the indoor workout room, a huge incentive for me to get in shape! I'm so excited to decorate; Ryan has a great eye for this sort of thing, so he's going to help me out, and I know that's gonna be a lot of fun. There's also a great security system in the building, so I'll definitely feel safe. Now I have to start getting organized and packed, while figuring out how to transition out of where I live now, and to be honest, I'm actually sad about moving out of the Loft. It's been my home for the last two years, and it's kinda weird to be moving out. It's funny; I didn't expect to feel any emotion but excitement about moving, but I guess when any place becomes home to you, you're bound to feel a little sad moving out. It's definitely metaphorical; I'll be turning my old home over to girls I know from college, which is nice. I'll still have that connection, but I'm moving on to a new home for a new chapter in my life (pardon the cliche).

On to a totally different and completely un-sentimental subject, I've noticed while working as a waitress that people in the restaurant business seem to use the F-word a lot. I don't really understand why, but I remember Ryan making this observation last summer when he was waiting tables as well. Other common trends among people who work in restaurants are making sex-related comments or jokes, and going out to get drunk about every night. And I'm not just talking about the servers; it's also the bartenders, kitchen crew, and managers, and even corporate-level people. It's like a bunch of people who never quit living the typical college life. And here's the thing--a lot of these people are, in fact, college students, but what sort of surprised me is the people in their late 20s and 30s who act this way. It's kind of bizarre. It's a stressful job, so maybe people who have this job like to relieve stress by going out and getting wasted so they have something to talk about the next day during lunch shift, and maybe another way to relieve stress when they are at work and can't drink is to use the F-word? I dunno. Maybe it just started out that way and an atmosphere of that developed and now we've just gotten into the habit of that being the norm. All I can say is, it's almost like people will and do find every way possible to use the f-word. I actually heard someone say last night that we had a "f***load of laundry" in the basement. What does that even mean?

Entertainment recommendations of the night:
Ryan and I went to see "Transformers." It is awesome, even if you're like me and didn't watch the cartoons growing up. I totally fell in love with Bumblebee, and I wish my car turned into a robot-alien who protected me and played a soundtrack to my life on his radio. Next, I am totally addicted to the CBS summer reality series "Pirate Master." I am soooo rooting against the Triad and hoping Louie and the girls will rally and knock those guys on their butts. Although, I have to say, they are definitly playing a smart game. I'm pulling for mutiny, but it would have to take a lot to break up the officers and the captain. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to CBS.com and watch all the Pirate episodes online. You will get hooked. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little bit intended. Musically I haven't gotten into anything new lately, but I am wondering what happened to my John Mayer CD because apparantly I never ripped it onto my computer, and now I don't have his albums anywhere. I do need to go find myself a copy of the soundtrack to "Legally Blonde the Musical" because I think that comes out in the next few days, and I'll let you know what I think about it!

One final note on movies: I borrowed Disney's animated film "The Black Cauldron" from the library this week because I don't recall ever watching it as a kid. It's one of those obscure ones from (I think) the 80s, when the Disney company was considering shutting down the animation department altogether, and they didn't have much of a budget. You can tell the animation is a lot less finished than the typical Disney animated movie, and it's uncharacteristically dark for a film of this brand. I have read that Tim Burton was at that time working as an animator at Disney and assisted on this film, but I didn't see his name in the credits, although I can see how they'd assign him to that project. It's not long, only 80 minutes, so if you're curious like me, you can watch it and not feel like you wasted your life or anything. I also borrowed Disney's animated version of "Peter Pan" and it's got some pretty neat choral sections in the score that I think would be really neat for Glee Club and Purduettes together; it has a very Fred Waring sound to it, true to the time period when that film was done. Also, that Tinkerbell is really funny, and like most Disney movies, there is humor there that I didn't pick up on as a kid. Tink has that luxury of being the only girl among the "guys" (Lost Boys) and holding special regard with Peter, so when Wendy shows up and unseats Tink, the portrayal of her jealousy is so classic and funny, because all of us girls know how much we hate to see our "guys" give their attention to another girl! If you haven't watched this in awhile, give it another look.

Ok, that's it for me. Much more to come!

Contacts

My contacts have gotten really cloudy, and they were drying out my eyes, so I finally decided to throw them out and put in a new pair. It's instantly like, "WOW!!! Look how clear everything is!" I feel like I just got HD for my eyes. What's so funny about this is how every time I finally toss out an old pair of contacts and put in new ones, I have the exact same amazed reaction. You'd think I'd be prepared for such a phenomenon.

Well, if you've been reading, you know I love a good analogy. And I was thinking, this is why we need sabbaths, vacations, and a good night's sleep. So we can get a new and fresh perspective on life and the world. I've always felt like my thinking was so much clearer when I spent time up at the lake; it gave me a chance to get away from distractions and appreciate the outdoors and solitude. You come back from those kinds of vacations with new goals and new appreciation for things. Ryan and I took a sabbath one day when we both had time off and took a long, long walk along the river, and we also did about a million other things that day that were totally relaxing but also fun and productive and good for you, and after a day like that, you're just like, "How much time do I waste being too tired or busy to do all this stuff in one day?" You get a fresh perspective. So go take a break today, get outside, or go take a nice, big nap and wake up really refreshed and ready to go!

Music of the moment: Justin Timberlake's newest album. I know, I know. The point of listening to this music is, it's silly, goofy, not profound...and just fun. Some of these songs are just dumb, and others just have a really cool beat, mix, and melody. Don't try to read into it, just roll down the windows and act like the urban kid you're not.

Sometimes we just need to have fun! Do it!

Lis

Tad, Dave, and Fireworks

That title sounds a LOT juicer than this entry is going to be. I've got to cover my bases, and I'm gonna try to cover them rather briefly. I was talking to the weather guy here at the station (we have quite a few interesting conversations, mostly me coaching him on how to handle his three daughters...I'm one of three girls, so I should know, right?) and he told me that if I want to produce I need to be able to write. Not just write, but write conversationally and succinctly. (And probably learn to spell succintly...is that right?) He said to keep a journal and just talk in it like you would if you were talking out loud. So I try to do that here, but I'm going to try harder to, and not to be quite as lengthy. Unless I really need to get something off my chest.

Ok, first the fireworks. Ryan and I had one of the best 4th of Julys that I can remember. We went to some friends' for a birthday/4th of July party, then met up with Ryan's roommate and his girlfriend and a couple of other people to go see Purdue's fireworks. We went up to the top of the parking garage, and it was like a village up there! People were covering the roof of the garage ready to watch the fireworks, and what a show! Not only did we get a perfect view of Purdue's show, which was great, but to the north of them we could see the fireworks coming from the Elks Club, and to the east, all along the horizon, a steady sparkling of fireworks from all the surrounding small towns and counties. It was so magical, so enchanted. It was a feast for the eyes, and I was an absolute glutton. I just wanted to look everywhere at once; I didn't want to miss one view, one amazing explosion. It was awesome.

Now onto a new segment of the story where I tell you about movies and music that I am into at the moment. I just bought "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!" from the $5 bin at Wally World, because I had always wanted to see it, and because it was $5. Funny story about this, I almost bought "City Slickers," and decided against it, but forgot that I had tucked it under my arm and walked all over the store with it. Then I checked out, all the time not realizing it was still under my arm, and walked out the door. Now at Walmart they have the sensors that go off, always, it would seem, at random times and with no reason because you obviously paid for everything in your plastic bag. I've been dinged plenty of times and checked out and found innocent of shoplifting. Well, today I got dinged and the guy whose job it was to check people's bags came over, an older gentleman, and I showed him my receipt and let him check my bag. He said everything looked fine and so I exited the store. When I got in my car, I pulled "City Slickers" out from under my arm absent-mindedly and just stared at it for a second. Then I just laughed, and headed back to the store entrance.

"I know why that thing dinged me," I said. "I had this movie under my arm and didn't even realize it!"

"Did you buy it?" asked the guy.

"No, I didn't even want it, I just forgot to put it back when I was digging through that movie bin."

He looked at me like I had just arrived in a big, pink bubble.

"You're the first honest person I've ever met," he said, and thanked me.

Ha!

And so much for brevity. Anyway, I went home and watched this movie between shift breaks today and it was great. Very very funny, and I would even watch it with my boyfriend because I think he'd think it was funny too. Topher Grace is what really makes the movie, but the story is surprisingly fresh and close to the heart. Of course you probably remember this is a story about a girl (Kate Bosworth) who wins a date with a famous actor whom she is crazy about, and Grace plays her guy-friend who is really in love with her. The bartender has this awesome line that goes something like, "Everyone is a Tad Hamilton to someone else," meaning you may be in awe of this person you think is amazing, and you think you'll never be good enough for, but probably someone else is thinking that about you. I think that's a very true concept. There was also something so charming about Bosworth's character, this small-town girl with such a polite, genuine, and almost old-fashioned personality and sensibility. She's not totally naive to the point of being blind or stupid, but she is, rather, aware of her innocence in a way that I think they just don't typically write female protagonists in Hollywood. Seriously, watch the movie. It's great.

And now to Dave. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching (or maybe searching for my soul?) lately and when I get to the point where I'm just baffled by God or religion or life in general, I like to listen to a little Dave Matthews Band, because I think Dave a lot of times is baffled, too. Half the time I don't know what the heck his lyrics mean, but I like to try to interpret them, and even find an interpretation applicable to my life even if it's not applicable to what Dave was thinking, drinking, or smoking when he wrote those lines. I think he just has a way of expressing his wonder, that sometimes you just have to stop and realize how big the universe is and how small you are, and how little time you have to enjoy all the things that you take for granted. I think he writes about the fact that God is so far beyond his understanding, and I think that's great because sometimes I get to where I'm trying to get it all sorted out, and I need to remember that God is so far beyond what my mind can wrap itself around or define. Specific tracks? "Bartender" is really great, so is "You Never Know" and "JTR." It's good soul-searching music, and if nothing else reminds me of the sense of wonder I do and should have about God and faith.

Ok, maybe we'll try that "brief" thing next time.

Lis

Apartments, Parrots, and Microwave Helper

I've been looking for apartments lately, which is fun but also kind of depressing; I'm realizing how little money I will have once I truly start living on my own. I have to admit, though, the thought of organizing, decorating, and accessorizing my own place continues to override the stress of how much it's going to cost me. And maybe that's a good thing...I think so many of these "grown-up" steps are so scary that we don't enjoy the adventures in them. So maybe it's good that I choose to think more about how cute it's going to look than how sad it will be that I'll barely be able to afford something the size of my bedroom at home. Anyway, I think I've got a couple winners...one sounds too good to be true, so I need to make sure to get out there in the next couple of days and see if it's really as good as it sounds, and if so, I need to snag one!

I went home to my mom and dad's for the afternoon yesterday, which was really relaxing. My car got its first bath and wax, and I don't mind saying it looks GREAT! My parents' next-door neighbor has four pet birds of the exotic variety, and she takes them outside in these huge cages on wheels so they can be outside while she works in the yard. Mom and I went over so I could be introduced to them all, and it was quite a show!

The first one was what seemed to be a sort of cross-bred parrot, and it had just recently come off of the endangered species list and was becoming more common in the pet market.

"She'd bite your finger off as soon as look at ya," said our neighbor, "but hopefully she'll come around in time."

The next one was a gray parrot with a bright red tail, and she was the one who talked the most out of the bunch. Some of the things she said to us were, "What?" "How 'bout that?" and my favorite, "Pretty cool." While she was handling the gray parrot, our neighbor explained that the best way to train a parrot was to give them attention when they did something. She explained that many people use treats as incentive, but all the birds really wanted was our attention and praise.

This became more evident once we moved on to a huge, gorgeous gold and blue macaw who, when our neighbor said, "Show 'em your wings," proudly spread out her wingspan to show us her glorious deep blue feathers. She looked just like a kid saying, "Tada!" Our neighbor asked her to wave, and she flapped her wings.

"What?" said the gray bird, in a tone like, "Oh yeah, so impressive. Whatever."

"Here's my mess," said our neighbor, showing us the last bird, who was in a cage that sat on top of the gray parrot's cage. The little bird had a beautiful bright red head, but her neck was in a clear tube-like veterinary collar, and connected to the bottom edge of the collar was a red felt circle, like a little cape. Under the felt was a bare, pink little belly. Our neighbor told us that this parrot had been handed off to her by someone else who had said, "Take her! She's free." The little parrot was a mutilator, our neighbor explained; she picked at her own feathers until she plucked herself bare. The felt cape kept her from reaching most of her feathers, so her tail and wings were finally growing back in with bright scarlet, deep blue, and even flecks of emerald green.

"I took off the collar for a little bit yesterday, but she ended up doing this," said our neighbor as she lifted one of the little bird's wings. Underneath, it looked like little chicken bones. "The thing is," said our neighbor, "if she would just stop picking herself apart, she'd be the prettiest one of the bunch."

Being the kind of person who sees metaphors in everything, I immediately imagined these four birds as so many girls I've known growing up. There are the ones who feel endangered, and won't let anyone get close without getting their fingers bit off. There are the talkers, who get tired of letting others have the spotlight. There are the gorgeous, larger-than-life ones who make others jealous just by being themselves, the way they were created. And there are the ones who mutilate themselves, or pick themselves apart, when if they just let their feathers grow in, would be the most beautiful of the bunch. And all of us just want some attention and praise for the things we do.

On a completely different note, here is a consumer review for all you single dwellers out there...I love Hamburger Helper and I saw that they now have Microwave Helper, which is a single serving of their normal dishes. The box said meat is included. I wondered how this could be, so I got a box. It was good, but just so you know, the "meat" is very sparse and looks kind of like little hamster terds. It doesn't TASTE like that, it just looks like it. The microwave dishes are good, just don't expect to get a meaty meal out of it.

That's all I've got! I've been super busy working (I'm a real live waitress now!) and just had the craziest week, so I've got some catching up to do. More to come!

Waiting

Today I started training for my second source of income as a server at a local restaurant. It was so overwhelming. There is so much to learn at once, plus I have homework and quizzes (I'm studying for my next ones right now!) and there's just a lot to take in, remember, and learn how to do. My trainer was worried about me because I was really quiet.

I know...me, quiet.

I was just so nervous about trying to remember it all! But I talked to Ryan after my shift today and he was like, "It'll all start to come to you as you go..." He waited tables last summer so it's nice to talk to him, knowing he gets exactly what I am going through.

And I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Waiting, but I felt exactly like the guy in that movie who is there on his first day training. Seriously, the restaurant business is Just. Like. That. Movie. I think I'll like it, though, once I get the hang of things.

Meanwhile, my AC is still broken. So it's fans, fans, fans in my house. "So great to have so many fans!" lol...I have recently developed the bad habit of making really corny jokes. Is that part of becoming an adult, I wonder?

Magazine

I talked to Ryan yesterday about wanting to start a girls’ magazine that falls somewhere between Seventeen and Brio. As we were walking through Walmart, I was explaining to Ryan how sometimes I wish I could read a magazine that had good fashion pages and interesting articles, without the sex tips and disgusting embarrassing moments and stuff. The problem with magazines like Glamour and Cosmo and even Seventeen is that they have a mixed message; they have articles about ethical issues, feminism, and healthy body image right next to bits about how to get a guy’s attention, quick and easy ways to lose weight, and so on. The language used in the magazine even lends itself to peer pressure; they use all this really trendy-sounding lingo. No one I know talks like these magazine writers apparently do, and that’s just it—you don’t know what it means, so you feel like you’re not as cool as the people who write these magazines, or as cool as the other people who read these magazines because apparently they understand this lingo, otherwise why would the writers put it in there? So it’s subtly saying, “If you start to read this magazine more, you’ll start to understand how the cool girls talk and then you can be one of us.”

Ok, I’m sure that sounds exaggerated, and I’m sure that some sweet lady working for Allure is totally offended by what I’ve just said, and is ready to tell me about how the magazine she works for is all about empowering women.

Nah, I’m sure she’s not even reading this journal.

What does empowering even mean, anyway? I get so tired of that word. I can’t remember ever being empowered as a woman because I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. I’ve felt powerful, confident, smart, strong, and even bossy. None of that had to do with being a woman, except for the fact that I am one—being comfortable in my female body and having a healthy body image. But is that empowerment? I don’t feel empowered when I look in the mirror and think I look good. I feel pretty. Or sexy. Or cute. I don’t feel empowered when I recognize my own competence at my job or in school. I feel smart. I don’t know what this whole empowerment thing is about, so if someone wants to educate me, feel free. I may or may not buy what you have to say.

Anyway, back to my magazine idea. I grew up reading Brio, a teenage girls Christian magazine, which is really pretty good for what it is. I mean, I really respect what they’re doing there. They give examples of modest—yet trendy!—ways to dress, what secular music and movies have some positive stuff for girls wanting to live a godly lifestyle, and articles and stories that present the common struggles of a teenage Christian girl. They also have a beauty tips feature (which is excellent!) and an advice column, which is ok. The thing that concerns me about the magazine, and especially the advice column, is that Susie, the editor-in-chief, I believe, who writes the advice and organizes the content of the magazine in general, is giving her best personal advice to these readers about how to handle situations—tough situations—as a Christian. Sometimes I really agree with her. Other times, I don’t. But the difference between this and other advice columns is that if I don’t agree with her, I almost feel like a “bad Christian.”

And I think that’s the downfall of magazines like Brio…this magazine tries to present itself in a way that is attractive to girls by using a similar format to that of the secular magazines. The problem is, the secular magazines are basically using literary peer pressure to keep its audience. Now transfer this to a religious magazine, and it’s not about being one of the cool girls anymore—it’s about being one of the righteous girls. And this time, if you don’t understand, agree, or care, it’s not that you aren’t cool. It might be that you’re not a good Christian. It might be that there’s something wrong with your faith.

And once again, if Susie, her staff, or the current Brio Girl ever happened to read this, I’m sure they would feel very offended, misunderstood, and misrepresented. So if anyone who is reading this is offended and really likes Brio, I’m sorry to offend you. I don’t hate Brio. I don’t even dislike it. I just feel that sometimes it lends itself to turning our discernment mechanism off.

In Velvet Elvis (great book, you should read it. Ryan has given it to like everyone he knows, including me!), the author, Rob Bell, says that we shouldn’t have to accept something without thinking about it just because it has the label “Christian” on it, and we shouldn’t rule stuff out just because it’s labeled “secular.” And I think Brio is on the right track. I just think sometimes they try to make the discernments for you instead of letting you decide for yourself. A big exception to this would be the entertainment review column. The guy who writes this is great because he tells you the good and the bad about an artist or movie. He’s honest. He’s not trying to dissuade you from listening for yourself, he’s just saying, “Hey, some of the stuff in here is a little raunchy or doesn’t reflect Christian values. Just so you know.” I think that’s great.

I guess I just want something that provides some positive material for girls to be entertained or occupied with, without sterilizing it. I realize the need for magazines like Brio, because some parents won’t let their kids listen to or read anything that isn’t “Christian.” But what about the girls who get to read it all and hate sifting through the sex articles to get to the good stuff? (Not that the sex stuff isn’t educational, just non-applicable at this point.)

Is there a market for that out there? I don’t know, but I think there is. Ryan said he thought I should pursue it because I sounded passionate about it. Maybe I will. I would just have to figure out where to start.

Lamp

Because I work at a news station, a lot of people ask me if this or that is like the movie Anchorman, or if we quote it all the time. And normally I will say, "No, but I'm sure that when the movie came out, they did quote it a lot at the station," or "no, it's not really like that." Occasionally I will humor the Anchorman fans and say, "Yeah, it does remind me of that a little bit."

I actually loved the movie Anchorman, and after being asked about how the rest of the station felt about the film, I asked one of the real live anchormen, who sort of made a face and said he thought the movie was pretty stupid.

Sorry I asked.

Well, the reason I thought of this subject today was because I walked into the production office and opened my email, and there sat a message from our accounting lady. The email was entitled, "Lamp." It was just a note about a lovely lamp in the front office that was up for grabs, but I immediately thought of the over-quoted phrase, "I love...lamp. I love lamp!" from Anchorman, and I couldn't help laughing out loud. Luckily no one else was in the office to hear me.

I'm actually here early because I couldn't stand being in my house any longer; the air-conditioning isn't working. It's 85 degrees outside, and 85 degrees in my house. It actually feels better outside because there's a slight breeze, which for some reason my ceiling fan can't compete with. And it's always FREEZING here at the station, so I thought I might as well go in early to get some work done since it would be a lot more comfortable here.

Graduating

I have sat through two commencement ceremonies a year for the past four years here at Purdue, because the Purduettes sing at the winter commencements. Here at Purdue, the ceremonies are split up because there are so many thousands of people graduating that it would be impossible to fit everyone and their parents in one ceremony at Elliott Hall, which, by the way, seats over 6,000 people. So in the winter they split it into two ceremonies, and in the spring they split it into four. Just to give you a picture. Each one is about two hours long, and there are so many people that only the graduate and doctorate degrees get their names read; everyone getting a bachelor’s or associate’s degree gets to see his name up on a screen with about ten other people as he walks across the stage. Which, don’t get me wrong, is pretty cool.

I just figured, knowing how boring and long and impersonal these things could be, it wouldn’t mean a whole lot to me.

I knew it meant a lot to my family, and hey, they knew what to expect. My mom and dad both graduated from Purdue. And if it was important to them, I’d try to make it a special day. Ryan even pointed out to me what a great accomplishment it was.

“You’re the only person I’m this close to who has ever graduated from college,” he said. “It’s a big deal.” And he was absolutely right.

It’s not like I didn’t want to go through graduation…I just wasn’t really excited about it.

Plus, it was weird; none of my Purduette classmates were graduating with me. Beth has another semester, and Laura still has more school. Meghan was going to go through graduation, but I didn’t know what section she was in, so as far as I knew, I would show up at the armory, get in line, and go through the ceremony with a bunch of strangers that I had apparently been going to school with over the last four years. It wasn’t like high school graduation, where you’re with all your friends, and all the teachers are there, and everyone knows you. I’d be lucky if the Glee Club guys, who were going to be singing onstage, would catch me as I walked by.

When my family arrived, it felt like something out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Marla popped her head in the door to give me about a ten-second warning that everyone was here. Then in came Mom, Dad, Mamaw, and Papaw, with hugs, questions, and comments. Mamaw immediately pounced on the graduation robe I had laid out on my bed and began wishing she’d brought her steamer.

“Well, I bet we could iron it right here on the bed,” she offered. I told her no, thanks, because no one else’s was going to look any better, and from where everyone was sitting they wouldn’t be able to tell if it had wrinkles anyway. I was almost ready when they all got there, but not quite, so then I had the fun of people watching me get ready. For some reason, this is a pet peeve of mine. I think it’s because I worry that the person watching me is thinking, “Is she really going to do her hair like that?”

Finally it was time to go to the ceremony. I had to be at the armory, next door to the Hall of Music, an hour before the ceremony, and everyone else was going to go find seats. At the armory, Dad helped me put my little white collar on my robe while Mom and Mamaw corrected my placement of my cap on my head. Marla, who was taking pictures of all of this, told me I looked pissed off, and I knew my lack of excitement and slight irritation at all the nitpicky attention was coming through loud and clear. I had to at least try to act as excited as they all were.

That’s when Katy showed up.

Katy was my roommate and instant best friend our freshman year at Purdue. She was getting ready to graduate with a degree in English Education, and soon after would find out she’d been offered a teaching job in a high school near Indianapolis. She was a member of the Delta Gamma sorority and about a year ago talked Marla into rushing. Marla joined DG, and Katy took her under her wing from the very beginning, doing everything from pairing Marla with the perfect match of a Big Sis in the house to teaching Marla how to tease back her hair.

I can’t tell you how glad I was to see Katy. Just like when she showed up in our dorm room during orientation week with all of her cute dorm accessories and reminded me how fun and adventurous college life was going to be, she showed up in front of the armory asking my dad for help with her collar, since he’d figured out mine, and wanting pictures of the two of us together, and she reminded me how special it was going to be to finish this fun and adventurous time and start off on a new one of even greater significance.

Katy and I went inside and parted ways to sign in. Get this—we had to get a sticker with our names and numbers next to them so we’d know who to stand behind in alphabetical order! I felt like one of the calves at my grandma’s farm when my parents and aunt and uncle are working cattle; I might as well have had a tag in my ear. Wouldn’t that be funny? All the tags in colors to match our tassels representing our schools and degrees!

I was trying to find which line to get into when I saw standing together Ashley from the Purdue Bells in PMO, Lindsey, who used to go to my high school, and Amanda, a former Purduette classmate. The three of them were standing together and talking, and as they greeted me enthusiastically, I got the feeling that this kind of was like high school graduation…all of your classmates waiting in the gym, checking to see if someone’s cap is straight or if someone’s hair doesn’t look too goofy under the cap. I finally found my check-in line, and when I got to the front, who was there to sign me in but Colleen Williams, the academic advisor who had helped me schedule my classes every semester and who never let me completely commit academic suicide by taking on too much.

“Oh, you got your hair cut!” she said as she found my sticker and patted it onto the shoulder of my black robe. I smiled. She was like the teacher who always helped you out during high school, even if you didn’t have a class with her.

I lined up, it turned out, behind a guy I had met my first semester at Purdue. He remembered me, so it was really fun to be within speaking distance of a previous acquaintance. A few more people ahead of him stood Amanda, which was also a comfort. And after some final instructions about when and where to stand, sit, or walk, we began the ceremony.

We all paraded out of the armory and past the Hall of Music and the bell tower. Then we took a lap around the Engineering Mall as people stood outside waving and taking pictures. There was something really cool about taking this walk down sidewalks you’d hurried across so many times as a student, only this time at a leisurely pace and in a cap and gown. It made me feel the finality of walking in these places as a student for the last time. And I realized that this was the part I had never seen before when I sat through those winter commencements.

This was the special part. This was the part of the ceremony that was for me.

The rest was for Mom and Dad, Mamaw and Papaw. The speeches were great, the music was beautiful, and the university president, who knew me through Purduettes and a scholarship group I had been in as a freshman, made a point to get up out of his chair and meet me onstage as I walked across. He gave me a hug and shook my hand and asked what I would be doing after graduation, and he wished me good luck. I think it was a special ceremony weekend for him as well; he was retiring from Purdue at the end of the school year.

The two hours of commencement were gorgeous, and they meant a lot more to me than I could of imagined. But whenever I think back to the day I graduated from Purdue, it won’t be the stage full of glee clubbers, band members, faculty, and trustees that I will remember. For me, it will be that stretch of pavement between Elliott Hall and the engineering buildings, where I last walked as a student at Purdue.

Growing Up

A week from yesterday I will graduate from Purdue. I did it in 4 years, and I did it while devoting more of my time to an extra-cirricular singing ensemble than to my studies. Not a whole lot of people can say that, and I’m proud of myself.

The thing is, now I’m done with school. For the rest of my life.

I’m freaked out.

For the past sixteen years, the same thing has happened. I’ve turned another year older on the day before, of, or after the first day of school. Then I’ve made good grades, good friends, and good memories in the course of nine months. Then I’ve celebrated not going back to school until the day before, of, or after my next birthday. I knew what was coming with that next birthday: another year of school. But my next birthday is in a little over three months, and I have no idea what it will bring with it.

The hardest part about it is that everyone else around me seems to know where they will be in the next couple of years. My older sister, Michelle, is a graduate of Notre Dame’s Navy ROTC scholarship program, and her first 4 years of life outside of college were planned since her freshman year at St. Mary’s. She’s stationed in Pearl Harbor, where she is planning on staying for the remaining two years of her active duty. Oh yeah, did I mention that ROTC scholarships pretty much pay your entire tuition? My younger sister, Marla, just wrapped up her sophomore year in the pre-veterinary program, so she knows she’ll be at school for a loooong time. And now there’s me, the communications major, who got a couple $1000 scholarships here and there, but other than that pretty much freeloaded off of my parents for four years, didn’t manage to save up any money, and is now officially in debt for a car they had to help me buy?

I digress. Also among the people in my life who know where they’re going is Beth, my best friend and roommate, who got engaged last December to her boyfriend of 3 years. He is an engineer, so he’s already making more than I’ll ever dream of making unless I somehow get famous, and he’s living in Sacramento in an apartment that Beth will share with him when they get married next February. Beth is an English education major and has a semester of student teaching ahead of her, and then she knows where she’ll be living, whom she will be with for the rest of her life, and how she’s going to pay for stuff.

Finally, my boyfriend, Ryan, is already making more than I dare to hope I will this year, and he has two years of college under his belt so far. He is a youth director and recently took a full-time job as a church supply consultant for a Christian bookstore here in town. He also wants to go to seminary after he finishes his undergrad in religious studies. I envy Ryan because he can support himself and he’s two years younger than I am. It’s not fair of me to envy him because the fact that he can support himself is also a point of stress for him, as it is becoming for me.

I think the grass is always greener on the other side. I think, “If I only had a job.” Then I get a job and I think, “If I only had a job that paid better so I could support myself, pay my own bills, and not have to be in debt.” I’m sure it never ends. Right now I feel like being married would solve all my problems and make me feel stable and secure, but I also know that LOTS more stressors come with marriage. I think the whole key to growing up is getting yourself to believe that you’re ready to deal with the responsibilities, and the stress that goes with them.

Here’s one great thing: I do have a job. It’s only part time, which means I need to find another job to make the “real” money, but the great thing about this one is it’s exactly where I want to be. It’s my dream starter job. (So why am I complaining, right?!) I am a production assistant at the local TV station. It’s a great opportunity and a foot in the door for me, a girl trying to make it in the television business. I’m getting training and experience, and I get to stay in familiar surroundings near my family and my boyfriend. The challenge will be proving to myself that I can be independent amongst all of this support. That might not make any sense, so let me put it this way—I just want to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.

I love, love, love working at the TV station. Everyone is so nice, even the anchors and sports people and meteorologists. Everyone is willing to help you out. It’s a great place to learn. And on top of all that, I’m one of the lucky few who graduate and immediately gets a job in their field of choice. And the fact that I love my new job so much reassures me that I’m really in the right place. Still, I think I have this fear of never living up to my full potential, which is why I have this whole “grass is greener” complex.

Becoming a grown-up just makes things more complicated. I was working in the church nursery this morning and talking to Abby, a five-year-old who is very free-spirited and comes in almost every Sunday singing improvisational songs. At some point in our conversation this morning, I asked Abby what she wanted to be when she grew up.

“Well, I think I’d like to be a movie star, or a pop star,” she said casually. “Or a princess.”

“Let me know how that works out for you,” I said.

It immediately got me thinking, why do we give up on those things? Or do we really? I still want to be a movie star or a pop star. Or a princess! It’s not impossible to be those things. At least, not as impossible as we grown-ups think. I mean, I’ve accomplished those things on some small level in college. I had a small role in a classmate’s film class project…I played a dead body. But people totally recognized me when it was screened at the local movie theater. And as a member of Purdue Musical Organizations, I’ve sung in front of thousands and thousands of people. And I’ve been on PBS for the last three years, and this Christmas will be the fourth! So I’m a pop star of sorts, I guess. The only thing I haven’t been is a princess. But since my chances of entering a beauty pageant ever again are slim to none, I think I can kiss that ambition goodbye. Although I did the Miss Purdue pageant this year and I tied with another girl for the Spirit Award. I actually think I like that better than getting a crown anyway.

I think as we get older, our ideals of possibility shrivel up after too much exposure to reality. And we start to worry about where the money will come from, instead of knowing that we’re going to get our daily bread. I know I forget that a lot. Ryan had to remind me tonight.

I should be thankful that I’ve got a job where I get to do something I love and where I have promise of opportunities and growth, and I shouldn’t give up or worry that this start isn’t good enough. I shouldn’t settle for less than what I really want to be, and I shouldn’t freak out about how long it’s going to take me to get there.

I think that between Abby and Ryan, I got the best reality check of all today.

For Starters...

I started this journal as I was getting ready to graduate college this past spring. And then I thought, I should do a blog with all this stuff. Because maybe no one will read this, but maybe someone who is going through the same stuff or will soon needs to read this. I don't know. If nothing else, I'm just tossing my thoughts out to float around out there...

Anyway, so this is the start of it. But, as I said, I already started it, so the first batch of entries are all going to be posted on the same date, when in reality they may have been written days or weeks apart. So that's just a disclaimer, so anyone who happens to read this doesn't get confused.

Read on!