it's tough

(Random Thought for 1000: Are contacts amazing or what?! I finally went to the eye doctor today after I ran out of contacts like two months ago, and he gave me some "diagnostic lenses" a.k.a. freebies that I can wear until I get some new boxes of contacts. It's so nice to not be a four-eyes today!!! Also, this was my first time to do something that was covered by my own insurance. Weird!)

OK, girls. And guys (I guess a lot of you have this problem too.) Kelsey got me thinking...sometimes we ARE too nice.

I've always had this impulse that I have to try to avoid hurting people's feelings, or making them mad, even if it means doing something I don't feel like doing...like being nice. But this always seems to backfire, as many people interpret acts of "niceness" for acts of enthusiasm, friendship, or sense of duty.

Example: You are at work, where people are complaining that someone needs to put more paper in the copier. You volunteer to do it, not because you really want to, but because you figure if you do it, at least everyone can move forward. Your co-workers either somehow misread this as a special little joy you get out of refilling the copier, or automatically assume that from here on out, part of your job description includes refilling the copier. Even though you realize it's not just your job, you keep doing it because if you don't, no one else will, and you don't want to be mean and tell someone else to do it for a change.

What I've been learning is this -- if you find yourself picking up the slack on little chores like this, delegate. Chances are someone is standing around doing nothing. Hand them a ream of paper and say, "Hey, can you put this in the copier? Thanks!" Walk away. Don't listen to their lame excuse for why they can't do it. They can do it. If you can do it, they can.

Did anyone watch "The Office" last week? When Pam left a note about cleaning up the microwave? I loved when Ryan told her she should just clean it out instead of leaving notes, and she replied, "I guess that's why we have a temp." (Pam is so much gutsier than she used to be!) Take a page out of Pam's book (not necessarily with the note-writing thing, but with the delegating thing).

Next example: Everyone has that friend-that's-not-really-your-friend-but-they-think-they-are. I have one of those. The person who always texts you to say, "Hey, we should hang out," even though you've never hung out before and you've never given him or her any reason to assume that you were the kind of aquaintances who would hang out spontaneously. The person who always wants to tell you their problems, even though you've never reciprocated that level of personal interaction by telling them about why you're stressing out. The person who has the uncanny ability to get you alone and then make you feel trapped like a lobster in one of those lobster-crates. (You know what I mean? It's easy to get in, but impossible to get out, and the lobster is like, "How did I get into this mess?!?") This is the type of person who doesn't seem to pick up on subtle hints. Too bad for you, since you're the type of person who only deals in subtle hints, because you don't want to hurt this person's feelings by saying something like, "go away," "I don't care," or "I'm not interested." And now that this person has worn down your last nerve, you really WANT to say one of those things to him or her, but you now realize that since this person mistakes your politeness for genuine interest, he or she thinks you are friends and if you say something blunt, his or her feelings will be hurt.

This is one of those "nice" problems I'm still trying to figure out. One way I've found to be effective is lack of communication; not returning phone calls, texts, or facebook messages. I always hate when guys are like, "why would you lead me on if you weren't interested in me?" when all I did was do what I thought was polite and friendly, like answering the phone, replying to facebook messages with non-committal answers like, "I might be busy...we'll see," and saying hello when I saw them around town. Apparently, things like that can be misconstrued as interest or even flirtation. (What?!?! I know.) So just don't do it. Don't communicate, in any way.

Of course, that doesn't always work, especially if you have to see this person multiple times a week, like if they work with you, go to church with you, or you're in a class together or something. That's the part I don't have figured out, but I think what we really have to do is just have some guts and not be as friendly as we feel obligated to be. Is that un-Christian? I don't know. I really struggle with figuring out how much I need to tolerate being bugged by someone while still treating them as one of God's children, and at what point it's just not fair to me to continue to put myself in what seems like a compromising situation.

It's tough.

I obviously don't have the answers to these problems; this is just what I've worked out so far (and by "so far" I mean over 24 years lol). And if you have anything to add to this discussion, please chime in! I started this blog because I thought there were probably other people out there going through the same things as me; starting new jobs, living alone, dealing with relationships, struggling with independence, etc. This is one of those things I think a lot of us are trying to figure out. So please feel free to share your thoughts, either in the comments or in an email!

Gotta get back to work. Until later!