what do i do with my hands?

You know that episode of 30 Rock where Liz talks Jack into playing a character on TGS and then finds out he's a terrible actor? You do? Great! Remember the part where he doesn't know what to do with his hands so he decides to hold a coffee mug in each one?

Well, that's how I feel about Private Lives right now.

I told you before that I was nervous about doing this because I've never considered myself a "real" actor. Because this is the first role I've done for a whole show without breaking into song and dance. And it's a big role; there are lots of lines, and it's only me and one other person onstage for the majority of the show. So it's a bit intimidating, and there are all these beat changes, and all these little blocking moves, and it takes a lot of concentration for me to do this and try to do it well, without cheesing it up.

And then there's the British accent.

It's not that I can't do it. It's that I feel really silly doing it. I'm trying really hard to make the lines sound real and natural because I want to be a good actor, but then when I try to use the accent, it just sounds (to me) like a silly affectation, and I feel like...how can I be sincere about what I'm saying while sounding like I'm talking funny? If I were playing some sort of character role, that would be a completely different thing. But although the part of Amanda is very comedic, she also has some very real, passionate moments. And I guess I just have a hard time taking myself seriously when I'm speaking in an accent, so I worry that other people are going to have a hard time taking me seriously too.

Now add to those two hurdles the fact that everyone in this play is in love with each other, so a lot of the blocking is touching, kissing, hugging, and I don't know these people. So yeah, it's awkward. I hate that part. I know by the end of the show we'll all be touching and kissing and hugging each other like it's no big deal, but it's the first week and it's awkward. I can't help it.

Blerg.

Anyway, I get tonight off, which is good because it seriously takes a LOT of concentration to do that stuff for three hours straight. And I can't concentrate on any one thing for more than like...40 minutes. Oh! Also, Act I has to be memorized by Sunday night. So...there's that.

In other news, I'm excited because just before work tonight I found my spare set of car keys, which includes a spare clicker for my door locks. My other clicker's battery died, so I've been doing things the old-fashioned way, and I knew I had another clicker somewhere but it took me forever to find it. But now that I have it, I'm back to feeling super-cool for being able to unlock and lock my car remotely. I know...it doesn't take much.

OK, more in a post to follow very, very soon. It's about vacation. I was going to write about it here, but things got too long, so we're ditching and starting a new post, K? K.

Until then!