A Date for the Christmas Dance

Preface: For this post I ask you to welcome a guest writer -- me. At age 15. A few weeks ago I went home to help my mom clean out old stuff in my room. I brought back with me a stack of journals. I've journaled through most of my life (it's why I blog now), and these notebooks have held priceless value for me through the years. I grew up being really private about my feelings for some reason, and these journals are where I let all those feelings out. I was terrified someone else would read them and think I was stupid. Now, ten years later, I'm actually proud of a lot of what I wrote. So I'm publishing parts of them here...finally giving the girl who wouldn't tell anyone anything the opportunity to share her innermost thoughts with the rest of the world.

These are some entries from the journal I started just before my freshman year of high school... The following is about the upcoming Christmas dance; my first semi-formal dance ever. I will add that I had a list of guy friends in here that I was planning to ask. Rather than wait to be asked, I guess? I was a badass. I'll also add that I didn't even have crushes on any of these guys; I had already bought a dress so it was really just all about finding a date. These poor boys' names have been changed to Muppets to protect the innocent/engaged/married.)

About the Christmas Dance...here's the plan [later I wrote in notes about each]:

1. Burt (not going as of yet. Fun guy!)
2. Telly (he's not going. Already asked 2 girls but no.)
3. Gonzo (he likes me?)
4. Ernie (he'd be so much fun!) [later I changed the order, "switching" Ernie and Gonzo.]
5. Kermit (does he have a date???)

~~~

Some confusion, but the order has switched. I'll ask Burt Monday. If he says no, I'll ask Telly Tuesday/Wednesday. If Telly says no, I'll ask Ernie on Friday. If Ernie says no, I'll ask Gonzo on the next Wednesday. If Gonzo says no, I'll find out if Kermit has a date...if he doesn't, I'll ask him. If he says no...woah, that's 5 guys. I'll stop there and if those five guys fall through, I'll think of some more! (Do I sound desparate for a date? [Yes, 15-year-old Lisa, I think you do.] Well I'm not -- I just want to go with a good guy friend and have fun at the dance!!!)

~~~

I wonder if Ernie was thinking about asking me. We talk a lot and stuff -- he was saying how he was going to get hooked up with this girl from Kokomo, but today he was like, "Well I heard that she's really weird.." and he sounded doubtful. Then this afternoon at the end of school he stopped at my locker. He was staying after for wrestling -- and he was just kinda small talking and stuff...then he's like, "Well...I guess I better go." He followed some of the guys on their way to the lockers.

I just wonder if he was going to ask me??? This does not go anywhere, I'm not telling anyone [made a note later: "told Rachel"], I just think. If Ernie does want to ask me, I hope he does it really soon! Because what if I ask Burt and then he doesn't get to ask...aaagh. Maybe I should just ask Ernie first. He'd be so fun, he can dance...Every time the phone rings, I hope it's Ernie or Burt or Telly calling to ask me to go, God, let me go to the dance! Pleeeease!

~~~

Eeeeeeeeeeee!! :) Wishes do come true! Ernie asked me to go to the dance. The first thing I thought was, "Am I dreaming?" So anyway, life is sweet! It was great how (the way) he asked me -- just the way I'd have asked him -- like almost the same words! Ha! I'm getting so excited for the Christmas dance!!!

Jobs, Relationships, and You

Since I'm looking for a Cool New Job, I recently added "DailyCareerTips" to my Twitter feed. Yesterday one of the daily tips was:

"Job searching is like dating. You may know in the first five minutes or it may take a few dates to decide if it’s worth pursuing."

Good point there. After all, I can't help but feel like I'm sort of pimping myself out to these employers. Well, that got me thinking...if job searching is like dating, is having a job like a relationship?

I think so. And if me job were a boyfriend, here's how I think I would describe it:

I've had this job for two years. Actually, my two-year anniversary was just a few weeks ago, but I completely forgot.

When I started out with this job, it was all I could talk about. I felt super-cool, and even important. When people asked me about my job, my eyes lit up and I couldn't wait to start explaining what exactly my job was all about.

Over the first year, things were a little stressful at times because I was still figuring out how everything worked. But that was ok because each day was a new adventure, and even the bad days made for good stories later.

Then, right around my first-year anniversary, something weird happened. I started to worry about just how permanent this job was. But my job made me happy, and I knew I could see at least another year with this job, so I decided not to freak out and just to take things one day at a time.

Now, two years later, I would describe my job as "comfortable." I've found a few new things to do and to get excited about, but the truth is that I just don't see myself sticking with this job forever. It's just not the kind of job that makes me think about buying a house and settling down. In fact, I'd always pictured myself ending up with a nicer job, a cooler job, and (to be perfectly honest) a job that made a bigger paycheck.

Plus, sometimes my job isn't that nice. It keeps me up all night. Sometimes it limits my creativity and doesn't let me accomplish some of the things I'd like to do with my life. My job can be very discouraging and it can make me really mad. At times it turns me into a drama queen, sending me into fits of rage and making me say overdramatic things like, "YOU'RE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!!!!" or, "YOU'RE DEFLATING MY SOUL!!!!" I don't like acting that way, and it only comes out when I get frustrated about my job.

The problem is that I actually still have a lot of fun with my job. Sometimes I have little moments that just prove to me why I was meant for this job. There are things about my job that no one else really gets except for me, and I kind of like that. And I like all the people I've met through this job. I actually really hate to think about what it would mean to leave my job and not get to hang out with all of these great people anymore. And hey, it's pretty sweet when my job gets me free food or scores me tickets to a cool downtown event. And truthfully, sometimes I'm scared to leave this job just because I'm afraid there won't be another one out there for me.

Every job is hard work at some point, right? Is the novelty just wearing off, or is it really time to look for something new?

In my case, I know that there's an expiration date on this job and that there's nothing wrong with that. The scary part is leaving behind the things that I know, the things that are comfortable and familiar. The scary part is putting myself out there, worrying about making a good impression, and being willing to face rejection in pursuit of the Dream Job.

So I guess I better buy a new outfit, put on some make-up, and get ready to leave my phone number with a lot of strangers, because I'm back on the market and that's just the way things work!

WANTED: Fake Boyfriend

While I for the most part enjoy not having to deal with relationships, the biggest drawback of my currently single lifestyle is that it's very difficult to get out of my apartment and do things without feeling like a total loner. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'll go do something by myself. But it's usually more fun to have someone to go with. The problem with being a 20-something is that it seems to be harder at this point in life to be spontaneous and just say, "Hey, want to go to a movie tonight?" or "Hey, want to go downtown for this art and spaghetti festival?" or, "Hey, want to try that new Irish-Mexican place where Applebees used to be?"

It's like, people either already have plans, or they have to go to bed early, or they live in a different state, or they're married. And nothing against married people or folks with early bedtimes...it's just that I don't often plan social engagements far in advance and I just wish I had a guaranteed go-to guy for these and similar situations.

Well anyway, I've been looking for my next job recently, so I decided to put my wish for a fake boyfriend in the language I've been reading most lately:

WANTED: Fake Boyfriend
JOB TYPE: Temporary (6 to 9 months), Part-time/Internship

JOB DESCRIPTION: Going to movies and trying new restaurants with me; accompanying me to weddings, parties, and live performance events; coming with me to any sort of get-together that includes other couples so I don’t have to be the third/fifth/or other such odd-numbered wheel; occasionally staying in to watch DVDs with me; occasionally joining me and my dog for walks.

JOB REQUIREMENTS:
*Bachelor’s degree or similar life experience.
*Must be employed, so when people ask me what you do I don’t have to tell them you’re “exploring your options.”
*Must be willing to work flexible hours, especially weekends.
*Must be willing to attend local theatre, music, and art events as well as dine at local restaurants.
*Ideal candidate has a working knowledge of such TV shows as 30 Rock and The Office.
*Ideal candidate also has a working knowledge of Arrested Development and Dorm Life, as well as films such as Best in Show and Waiting for Guffman.
*Proficiency in giving shoulder massages a plus.
*Good listening skills and good hair a must.
*Ideal candidate possesses the ability to make me laugh.

Looking for a candidate who is positive, self-sufficient, and is not looking for an actual romantic connection or any kind of long-term arrangement. Lengthy and/or frequent phone conversation is discouraged, as is gift-giving, jealousy, and picking fights. This is an unpaid internship, but counts toward your credit as good boyfriend material in future relationships and will provide you with several opportunities to gain experience as a gentleman. To apply, please send resume, cover letter, head-shot, and one letter of recommendation to lisa.stanforth@gmail.com.

Whiners and d-bags need not apply!
Lis :)

thumper

One of my favorite lines from the Disney classic Bambi is a mantra Thumper recites in a way so adorable I'll never forget it:



"If ya can't say somethin' nice...don't say nothin' at all."

Well, Thumper, I have a new one:

"If you can't say something nice, don't make something up."

Right? I feel like sometimes nice people get into a nasty habit of coming up with something nice to say even (and especially) when they don't mean it. I don't mean saying "good job" to someone who just sang the national anthem about a step and a half off-key. I mean saying to that person, "Wow, you were really great! You have such a wonderful voice!"

Because it's one thing to be polite, but it's something else completely to just be needlessly dishonest.

Remember in Mean Girls when Rachel McAdams told that one girl that she loved her skirt, but then turned around and told Lindsay Lohan that was "the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen?" So why did she make a point to compliment the skirt in the first place?

I realize not everyone is trying to be a Regina George, but what ARE we trying to accomplish when we say stuff like that? I've always wondered if it was some sort of knee-jerk reaction to thinking something mean or negative. Do people think an unkind thought, and then immediately spit out a compliment to morally redeem themselves? Or do they open their mouth, realize they're about to say something rude, and instead make a last-minute turn in the opposite direction?

Maybe no one else gets why I'm so riled up about this...It just bugs me that sometimes people seem to go out of their way to say something nice when they really don't mean it. And then it makes me wonder if anything nice they've ever said to me is even true. I would rather they not try to make me feel good than falsely flatter me.

Of course, if you just have to spit out whatever uncharitable thought you were thinking and you have a faithful friend who won't tell anybody about it, there's always Clairee's variation of the "if you can't say something nice' mantra:


"If you can't say something nice about anybody, come sit by me!"

That one works too. ;)

someday upon a dream is a wish I could be part of your whole new world

OK, so this song really struck a chord with me today. And I'm sure most of it had to do with my listening to it during the 3.5 hours I collectively spent in the car driving in the rain.

But after listening to it a few times, I decided it was going to be my princess song. You know what I mean -- Snow White had "Someday My Prince Will Come," Sleeping Beauty had "Once Upon a Dream," Arial had "Part of Your World"...you get where I'm going with this, right?

And unlike most Disney princesses, who are actively seeking a prince, I am just sort of content to be alone now. But it's nice to think that somewhere out in the world is this guy who someday is going to be my...you know. My guy.

(And if I were a Disney character, you know I'd be an owl, because I like to roll my eyes at twitterpation. Sometimes it's just too hard to even talk about it.)

But, ok, so I hear this song today and after listening to the words a few times, I was like...yeah. I like this. I like this idea that there's someone out there for me, somewhere, someday...(oh wait, that's another song), and if I'm just patient and wait for the right thing to come along at the right time, it'll happen.

Anyway, here it is. It's called "Raindrops" by Regina Spektor:



You don't know but that's okay
You might find me anyway
Don't you know that i
Belong arm in arm with you, baby
In a town that's cold and gray
We will have a sunny day
Don't you know that i
Belong arm in arm with you, baby.

I do not know
Where does it go
When it goes
Suddenly though
Everything's slow
And i miss you so

Round each corner there's a chance
People searching glance to glance
Moving bout real fast
Like insects and fish when they're scared
And they sing the same old song
Though it's been so very long
They sing, raindrops falling on my head
But that doesn't mean that i am dead

And i do not know
Where does it go
When it goes
Suddenly though
Everything's slow
And i miss you so

You don't know but that's okay
You might find me anyway
Don't you know that i
Belong arm in arm with you, baby
In a town that's cold and gray
We will have a sunny day
Don't you know that i
Belong arm in arm with you, baby.

seeking: jim halpert

One thing I love about being a single gal with no agenda for marriage is setting my dating standards very high on a few specific things (maybe solely for the sake of avoiding dating altogether...haha). Anyway, I thought it might be fun to make a list of these traits, however unrealistic they may seem:

1. You must have good hair. I know you can't control the way your hair grows out of your head, but I can't control the fact that I'm picky about hair. So if you've got weird cowlicks, bald patches, or you like to shave patterns into your scalp, you're not the guy for me.

2. Wanna go fishing? Good! Look, I grew up going to fishing workshops and learning how to put a worm on a hook. I spend every summer sitting for hours in a boat waiting for a scaly, dumb animal with short-term memory loss to bite so I can reel him in, slice him open, and eat him for supper. If you can't handle that, we're done here.

3. You must know more about cars than I do. I know some guys who can't check their own oil, much less change it. That's not to say I change my own oil, but I'm not paying some dude at Jiffy Lube to do something we should be able to do at home in the garage. Side note: I'd love to restore a vintage car someday, even though I have no knowledge of how to do this. So I'm depending on you to be able to teach me or at least learn together.

4. You MUST NOT make me watch scary movies, or movies with excessive violence. If you care about me AT ALL, you will know that to do such a thing would be mental and emotional torture for someone like me. I don't care if it's a "classic." I don't need to see it.

5. You will be expected to take me to the ballet on occasion. Not all the time, just maybe once a year to see The Nutcracker. Do you hate this as much as I hate scary movies? Maybe. Will watching a ballet make you afraid to go to sleep because of the terrible dreams you know you're going to have that night? I highly doubt it. Dudes in tights are not that scary.

6. You will also be expected to go see plays and musicals with me. Hopefully, you will actually enjoy the theatre, so this won't be a problem. But even if it's not really your thing, guess what. It's MY thing. And we're going. In return, I promise to become the biggest, most dedicated fan, spectator, and cute apparel-wearer of whatever professional sports team you worship most. I have no serious loyalties to any pro basketball, football, or especially baseball teams, so I will willingly adopt your preferences in those areas.

7. You must not ever tell me you wish I had different color hair, skin, eyes, longer legs, smaller boobs, sharper sense of smell, better comedic timing, or otherwise wish to alter any trait about me that I cannot control. As you will notice in article one, if there is something physical you will not tolerate about a person, you should just cut 'em loose from the get-go. Don't get into this and then decide you want to make changes that can't (or won't) be made.

8. You must enjoy philosophical debates about stupid stuff. I don't like to argue about politics, religion, or ethics. But I will pick a fight about whether or not Princess Bride is a chick flick. And if that happens, you have to indulge me without getting too serious about it and actually getting mad.

9. You need to be honest about your singing abilities. If you're an amazing singer, please admit it gracefully. Don't make me reassure you every second of the day that you can sing. If you're decent, don't talk about your voice like you're the next Frank Sinatra or something, because you're not and you'll embarrass me. If you can't sing, don't be scared; just fess up and I won't make you do karaoke with me. I will like you more if you're a bad singer and admit it than if you think you're a really good singer and you're not.

10. You must be able to dress, but you should not look cuter than me. This is kind of like the singing thing; if you need help picking stuff out, just tell me and I'll help you. If you're good at putting it together and you want to help me out, fine! But don't get competitive about it and try to look more awesome than me. That's not what this is about. Besides, you should want to show me off, not show yourself off.

11. You must be creative about gift-giving. I'm not about bouqets of roses, piles of jewelry, fancy restaurants, or other stereotypically "romantic" gestures. Remember, you're talking to a girl who wants you to sit with her in an aluminum boat and shove dirty worms onto metal hooks for endless hours. You're also talking to a girl who likes ballets, musicals, and other forms of live entertainment. I'm not asking for extravagance, I'm asking for originality and, most of all, sincerity. Just put some thought, humor, and personality into it and I'll be happy.

12. Just be willing to do anything and everything to make me happy. Even if that means letting me win, swallowing your pride, and picking your battles from time to time. I promise I'll do the same for you.

OK, that's my list. What do you think...am I asking too much? :)

Cheered Up

There was this one time during my sophomore year at college when I got really bummed out about something...I think it was because someone was being mean or had said something about me that wasn't nice, or something like that.

And I was sitting there all bummed out when I got a call from some my best pals...Katy, Iz, and Greg...and they whisked me away to the guys' apartment for a game of Cranium. We had an awesome night and laughed so hard, and I just kept thinking how lucky I was to have such great friends.

And what's so awesome about that memory is, I don't even remember what happened that created the need for my being cheered up in the first place. I just remember the fun night that followed and the wonderful memory of having buddies that would be so great and go to the effort to cheer me up!

I think as you get older, you appreciate your friendships so much more, because they become a little more rare and special once you're out of school. I'm so thankful for all of the friends I have, new and old, near and far away! Just thinking about them cheers me up! :)

Happy Monday!

I want to go to there.

"I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in where you don’t really have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows and go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."
~Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

So this weekend I went out to lunch with a couple of friends from the Children of Eden, which was really fun. Firstly, it was nice because it's a rare occurance that I get to spend time like that with people my actual age. And secondly, because we all get along so well and share a sense of humor. (Back me up on this, Sara.) But one of the coolest things about the day was this...the guy in our group is married and is obviously very happy about it. And it's not one of those sickening newly-wed things that some people my age have; it's a three-year-old marriage that, while still new when compared to marriages like our parents', has been broken in a little bit. And it's clear that he has found that person who really makes him happy. And just listening to him talk about his marriage and talk to his wife on the phone, I was like...jealous. Of a married person! For being married! That almost never happens to me.

He told us about how they're really at the point where they just enjoy going home to hang out with each other, and sit around drinking beer and watching TV together. And that just sounded...really good to me!

Or as my hero Liz Lemon would say, "I want to go to there."

Here's the thing -- I am still not ready to do the whole dating thing...the asking/being asked out, the first few slightly uncomfortable dates, forking over more and more of my time to someone else, the obligation of talking on the phone (ughhhh) every day, and having to "check in" all the time (blech). Now, I realize that if a relationship was really worth it to me, I probably wouldn't feel obligated to go through that process, but rather be excited about it. And that's how I know I need to stay on the bench for now. And I also realize that I have to go through all the dating, time-sacrificing, phone calls, and so on, in order to get the sweatpants and the beer on the couch with the TV. But sometimes I just wish I could skip all the weird stuff and just get to the good stuff!!!

It's not possible, I know. But I'm just saying. It would be nice.

And speaking of instant relationships...who's excited for tomorrow's episode of The Bachelor? The women are gonna tell all and personally I just can't wait to see poor ol' Shannon! Plus I think we're gonna see some of our favorite ghosts of bachelors past! Should be fun.

Until then!

a mixed bag (ahhh ha ha...you'll get it at the end)

a person can develop a cold

Well! I am feeling much better today! I have been fighting off a cold since Sunday morning, and I don't get sick often, but when I do come down with something, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, this was a crucial week for both work and musical rehearsals, so it was not the time to wimp out and take a sick day...besides, I still tend to operate under that athlete mentality that you're not allowed to stay home sick until you puke (and sometimes not even then). Trust me, I can remember two major swim meets that I swam with 103 degree fevers. So staying home for a cold just never feels right to me.

Anyway, I was determined to recover as quickly as possible, so I went to town at the drugstore Sunday night and spent the rest of the week on NyQuil (during the day), DayQuil (at night...I just love my upside-down life!), cough syrup, vapor rub, sinus-headache medicine, and milkshakes, which may not have healing powers but feel pretty good for a raw throat. I took more medicine this week alone than I normally would in an entire calendar year. But today, while still a little congested, I am feeling much better and looking much less like I need to be taken out back and put out of my misery. :)

he's just not that into you

I saw it Saturday and LOVED it. But I'd love to know what everyone else out there thinks, because another friend of mine saw it and HATED it. She said it was because she's getting ready to get married and now she feels like she's supposed to think all guys are jerks...or something like that. I'm not sure. We were alternately trying to convince and dissuade another one of our friends about whether she should go see it. And when I said I loved it, the neutral friend said, "So do you think all guys are jerks now?" And I said, "Well, I already knew that guys are jerks, so I wasn't really surprised." But I was just kidding! I just thought it was great because it showed the good AND bad about guys AND girls and I don't think it made all guys out to be jerks; it just admitted that sometimes guys are, and that's not OUR fault, and hey, we can even avoid those guys now that we know what they're thinking. And I loved all of the endings for all of the characters, whether they were happy or not. And I don't feel like the movie tried to justify any bad or compromising relationships, which to me was a really, really good way to follow through with the theme of the movie. But please, please tell me what you think because I'm sure it's a different movie for each of us, since each of us have different experiences with the opposite sex.

the bag tag game

See...now do you get my corny joke in the title? I know, I'm pretty lame. OK, Bethany tagged me, so here are the rules:

1) Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids (ahh ha, this doesn't apply to me! But I'm not known for carrying little purses anyway). I want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house. No cheating!

2) I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it.

3) Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your bag.

The Bag:


The Story:
Honestly, I haven't the faintest idea how much it cost. It was a gift this Christmas from my aunt and great-aunt, who bought it in New York City. As you can see, the clasp says Dolce & Gabbana, which makes me feel pretty cool even though I'm pretty sure it's a knock-off.



Everyone thinks the huge zippers are hilarious, and I love that detail. It also has tons of pockets and places to put things like cell phones, wallets, and keys so I don't have to dig through the volumonous abyss of the rest of the bag. I love it! :)

So here are some girlies I will tag to play the game. Have fun! And seriously, let me know what you thought about he's just not that into you and if you haven't seen it, go see it this weekend and then we'll talk!

La Di Dah
Sara Spelled Without an H
The Fabulous Life of a Southern Belle

thankful friday

I am thankful...

1. for Fridays, which always include new episodes of "The Office" and "30 Rock," and the thought that I don't have to go anywhere or do anything tomorrow, and that I can sleep whenever I want to in the next 48 hours.

2. for paychecks, especially when they include overtime pay that will fund retail therapy to relieve the stress of earning said overtime pay.

3. for things going well at work, which was sweet payoff for the past couple of weeks of things NOT going well at work.

4. for finding out that a coworker you were stressing out about it just stressed out for a lot of the same reasons, and for working together to accomplish a similar goal.

5. for Kelsey, who constantly teaches me lessons in faith, love, and friendship.

6. for Sara, who is hands-down just one of the coolest people I'll ever meet.

7. for Tommy, who geeks out over Dorm Life with me and is always great to talk to.

8. for Curtis who, I am convinced, makes the world a better place every day just by being in it but not of it.

9. for Troy and Caitlin for being a beautiful example of love and friendship to everyone they know.

10. for Joey, for helping me recognize and enjoy the great things that go with growing up!

11. for all of my other blog buddies, who I have never met but who impact my everyday life with their comments, posts, humor, and amazing stories!

12. for pizza and beer, which I'm going to enjoy tonight in the comfort of my little apartment.

13. for my sisters, who brighten my day whether I talk to them for 45 seconds or 45 minutes, and for how close we have been all our lives.

14. for my mom, who is the most supportive, loving, giving person I will probably ever meet. And she's also a great listener, even when I talk and talk and talk...

15. for my dad who, I am finding, understands me better than I ever thought was possible, and who I find myself becoming more like every day.

16. for having a job that I love, even when things are not going well, and especially in a recession.

17. for the fact that I got to see a friend today that used to work with me in the mornings, but now he works during the day and we hardly ever see each other, and for being told that he misses me too!

18. for being healthy.

19. for vacation time that I'll get to spend in Florida with my sister in her new house!

20. for feeling blessed in every way.

definition of a booty call

This is a story about something that happened a week or two ago, but I thought it might be fun to put on the blog...

Some people I know from doing civic shows are quite a bit younger than me, so I always try to watch what I say and do around them. But I often underestimate just how much kids know at a younger age these days ("these days?!" Who am I, my grandmother?). So one day when one of these younger folks asked me if I had any booty calls, I was a little shocked.

But one of the other younger ones was sitting there as well and said, "What's a booty call?"

Considering someone her age had brought it up, I was half-ready to leave it to her peer to explain that one. But we all remember how that went in junior high and how "well-informed" we all were after going to our friends for enlightenment on more mature subjects...so I did my best.

Me: Well...it's like when you're just hanging around by yourself and you're lonely or bored, so you call up someone you know to get...some...

Kid: Coffee?

Me: Yes! Coffee. So you call this person up and say, "Hey, you wanna have some coffee together?" But it's not someone you'd have...coffee...with on a regular basis, like all the time.

Kid: Ohhh ok, I think I get it.

I think this kid was old enough to know what I meant by coffee, but now I'm just worried that a few years down the road when she's at college, she's going to think everyone in her dorm is addicted to coffee because they're going on booty calls. But let's face it, no one really calls it a "booty call" anymore anyway, do they?

I think I'm safe.

~~~

OK, also, I just wanna say that I caught up on Lincee's Bachelor blog (link to the right) and the Madrosed recap on YouTube, and I feel like people are missing something here:



Kirsten Storms was referred to in all these Bachelor recaps as some "random girl" from General Hospital. Does NO ONE remember who she is?! Am I the only person who was watching the Disney Channel in the early 2000s?!!



It's Zenon, you guys!!! Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century! Am I the only person who cried out, "It's Zenon!" while watching the Bachelor this week?!!

OK, sorry, just had to get that out there. And yeah, I watched the Disney Channel in high school. I'd still be watching it now, if I had cable in my apartment. Deal with it.

OK, time for a nap because it's gonna be another fun and exciting day at the station! Yaaaaaay snow! (I really do like the snow; not being sarcastic.)

Until later!

it's that time of year...

...when the world falls in love...

OK, I think that time of year is just about over. But really, it's that time of year when we all make a list of things we're going to do (or not do) in hopes of becoming a better person, having a better year, and making it a better world.

New Year's Resolutions.

And I feel like the act of making them is kind of a cliche, and something we as a culture don't really take seriously anymore. But I think there are some things in my life I want to improve, and I might as well make goals now, right? And I think writing them down will sort of make me commit to them and hold myself more accountable. Plus, then I can blog about them, which I'm sure will help too!

(I have to mention that as I'm writing this, I'm listening to the playlist I just attached to my blog and it's really fun to write while these songs are playing. I hope that it's not annoying that music starts playing on my blog, and you don't have to listen to it, but if you don't mind turning it up a bit while you read, think of it as a soundtrack for my blog. These aren't just songs I like; they all have a reason for being on that playlist.)

OK. Here we go.

1. I'm going to get into and stay on a regular workout plan. (The ultimate New Year's resolution cliche, right?!) But over the past few days, I feel like I've eaten enough sweet stuff to give myself diabetes. And I keep reading all these news stories about how much the average person should work out, and I'm realizing that more and more, I can't put myself in that group, which is pretty sad. So, I'm going to start out by saying I will work out three times a week. That's really not that hard. And I'd like to do more than that. But I think I'll start with something I know I can do realistically, and then once I've been doing that for a few months, reset the goal for something higher. But I'll start at three days a week.

2. I'm going to save money. That is kind of hard for me to do; my paycheck does not stretch very far. But I got a small raise recently, I'll be getting paid for coaching color guard, and I just worked a holiday, so that should give me a great springboard for saving. I mean saving significant amounts of money, not saving one month just to use it all up the next. I really want a dog, and I'm waiting until I pay off my car so I can use that money every month to save/use on doggie expenses. But I'd like to have a bigger cushion before then. Speaking of which...

3. I'm going to get a dog. The plan has been in place for months and months, but why not add it to my list? I will finish paying off my car in May, so the plan has been to start looking at breeders in June. That way I have the summertime to house-train and everything, not to mention have the financial means to take care of a dog. And here's an added motivation for Item #1 on this list - the kind of dog I want to get (miniature schnauzer, for anyone who has forgotten) has a tendency to get fat and unhealthy if it doesn't get a lot of exercise and good nutrition. Sound like anyone else you know? So I think if I can get a healthier lifestyle in place by the time I adopt a puppy, I can do a better job of taking care of and raising a dog!

4. Speaking of nutrition, that's something I also want to work on. I kind of phase in and out on this, and I eat WAY less fast food than I did a year ago, but I want to keep improving on this. Sometimes it's hard to eat regular, balanced meals because my schedule is so weird, but I've been at it for a little over a year now, and I think I can figure out how to make it work. I'm going to eat more fruits and vegetables. I'm going to eat more meat. I'm going to eat two balanced meals every day. (That has to include some sort of meat and some sort of produce; not just peanut butter and crackers or a bowl of cereal.) I'm going to start rehearsals for a play soon, and I know that's going to make it harder to eat right, but I've already been through this schedule during the summer, and I know I can do it.

5. I'm going to do some housework every day, instead of waiting until the end of the week to do all my cleaning. Whether it's washing dishes, taking out the trash, surface cleaning, laundry, sweeping, or just picking up around the house, I always feel better when I do a little bit here and there every day than when I let it pile up and then spend my whole weekend doing all of it. Plus, when I get a dog, I'll probably have to do some cleaning every day anyway :-P

6. I'm going to consider my career options. I'm going to look around and see what's out there. I'm going to keep staying here as an option for one more year. I'm not going to limit myself by what I think is realistic; if Good Morning America still has a segment producer opening available when my contract is up, I'm going to apply for it. I'm not going to be too afraid to go for something big. I'm not going to be discouraged if the job market is frozen and the best option is to stay here. I'm not going to feel pressured or obligated to stay if that's not the best thing for me to do. I'm going to trust God to help me make a decision and to take care of me whatever I decide.

7. I'm going to use up all of my vacation time and comp days this year. Five days will absolutely be for a trip to the lake with my family. The five-plus-comp days I would like to use to visit my sister in Florida, take a trip to New York with family or friends, possibly use for job interview trips, and maybe even take another trip to the lake with friends now that we have the new cabin. I'm entitled to those days and I'm going to take them. Just because it's hard for them to cover my job while I'm gone doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to use my vacation time up. I have just as much right as anyone to take time off. I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore. I'm just going to schedule it, and not worry about it. I've got it down to a science now how to prepare the person filling in for me, so it shouldn't be that hard.

I feel weird stopping on seven, but I think those are my big things I want to accomplish this year. I'm actually proud that I accomplished a lot of things in the past year -- I'm living on my own, supporting myself, I got involved with a church that I go to regularly, I made big changes and improvements to my show at work, I got involved in civic theatre, I made new friends, I've done a better job keeping in touch with people, and I feel like I've improved and cultivated my relationships with my parents and my sisters. Of course I want to keep working on all of those things, but I think you need to be able to look back on your year and be proud of what you've accomplished, so that you realize you are capable of achieving the goals you've set for the year ahead. Life is good, and it can be better.

Happy new year!

vacation day five and the weekend that followed

I promise this won't be long because a) it's almost 3:00 AM, b) I am about to completely crash, and c) there is no possible way I can put into words how fantastic my Friday and Saturday have been!

I'll just say that this weekend I've been participating in the 75th Purdue Christmas Show as a member of the Alumni Chorus. Not only has it been a joy and a thrill to have the opportunity to be back on the Elliott stage for a Christmas Show, and to be surrounded by the beautiful voices of the Purduettes and Glee Club, but it's also been just overwhelming to get to relive these moments with some very dear friends I don't get to see very often.

Tonight in particular was fabulous...which is probably evident by the fact that I'm still up at this wee hour! But I don't think I can describe it verbally...when I get all my pictures loaded onto my computer, I'll just show you what a great weekend I've been having!

Until then...nighty night!

carpet cleaners (vacation day 4)

So, the carpet cleaners finally DID show up this morning...after me spending all week with my furniture upside-down, they came at 8:30 this morning.

The knock on the door woke me up. I had, once again, spent the night on my couch. But for some reason I couldn't get to sleep last night -- actually, the reason was that I went to the library and brought home a book that I started last night and haven't been able to put down -- so I decided to just stay up and watch the morning news that I am taking a week off from producing. That was like an out-of-body experience, and I kept calling shots to no one, just shouting them at the TV like our director Kim would be able to hear me across the river. I have a hard time watching our news when I'm at home sometimes because I start doing stuff like that.

Anyway, after the news was over, I read a little more and then eventually fell asleep, and then the knock on the door woke me up.

Crap, I thought, realizing I was a grungy mess. But I also was too sleepy to care if these guys judged me for my greasy hair, nasty breath, scrubby clothes, or very un-made-up face that definitely was showing some blemishes. I let the two guys in and moved the last couple of things out of the way, including my desk chair, which I rolled onto the kitchen floor and sat in with book in hand, thankful I'd have something to keep me occupied while the carpet guys were busy cleaning.

One guy was older, probably in his 40s or 50s, and the other was around my age, probably a little younger than me. They were both really nice, and made small talk with me over the roar of the carpet cleaning machines. The younger one observed that he could usually get an idea of what people were like based on what the inside of their homes looked like, and that he could tell I was "pretty laid back." The older guy asked me about my piano, saying he knew a lady who played organ at church and that when he went over to clean her house, he would always ask her to play for him. I wished with all my might that he would NOT request a tune from me, and thankfully he didn't. Which is good, because I honestly couldn't just sit down and play anything except chopsticks without putting someone through a very painful musical experience. I just don't play like that anymore -- strictly note-plunking for vocal purposes. When people ask me to play, I always feel like Kiera Knightley in Pride and Prejudice. Only worse.

The carpet dudes finish pretty quickly (not like I have just acres and acres of carpet floors, you know) and they wish me a happy holiday and disappear out into the hallway just as quickly as they came. I locate my slippers and gingerly make my way across the carpet back to the couch, my little island of living space while I wait for the floors to dry. No sooner do I crack open my book and find where I left off than I hear another knock on my door.

I get up and answer it. It's the younger of the two carpet guys, asking if they left a bucket in my apartment. I do a quick check around the apartment and then return to the door to tell him I didn't see anything. THEN he tells me the real reason he came back was because he wanted to ask me out on a date.

G-uh...what?!

I explain to him that I'm not really dating right now, which is true, but he takes it as a cop-out answer that he nevertheless accepts, wishes me a nice day, and leaves.

Aww geez. Seriously? I'm so glad I'm not a guy. I cringe at the ribbing he's probably going to get from his work partner when he catches up with him at the next apartment. You have to hand it to him for having guts, though.

So there you have it. I got asked out by the carpet guy. I'm so glad this 4-day-delayed carpet cleaning at least turned out to be the makings of a good story!

I'm going to bed.

it's tough

(Random Thought for 1000: Are contacts amazing or what?! I finally went to the eye doctor today after I ran out of contacts like two months ago, and he gave me some "diagnostic lenses" a.k.a. freebies that I can wear until I get some new boxes of contacts. It's so nice to not be a four-eyes today!!! Also, this was my first time to do something that was covered by my own insurance. Weird!)

OK, girls. And guys (I guess a lot of you have this problem too.) Kelsey got me thinking...sometimes we ARE too nice.

I've always had this impulse that I have to try to avoid hurting people's feelings, or making them mad, even if it means doing something I don't feel like doing...like being nice. But this always seems to backfire, as many people interpret acts of "niceness" for acts of enthusiasm, friendship, or sense of duty.

Example: You are at work, where people are complaining that someone needs to put more paper in the copier. You volunteer to do it, not because you really want to, but because you figure if you do it, at least everyone can move forward. Your co-workers either somehow misread this as a special little joy you get out of refilling the copier, or automatically assume that from here on out, part of your job description includes refilling the copier. Even though you realize it's not just your job, you keep doing it because if you don't, no one else will, and you don't want to be mean and tell someone else to do it for a change.

What I've been learning is this -- if you find yourself picking up the slack on little chores like this, delegate. Chances are someone is standing around doing nothing. Hand them a ream of paper and say, "Hey, can you put this in the copier? Thanks!" Walk away. Don't listen to their lame excuse for why they can't do it. They can do it. If you can do it, they can.

Did anyone watch "The Office" last week? When Pam left a note about cleaning up the microwave? I loved when Ryan told her she should just clean it out instead of leaving notes, and she replied, "I guess that's why we have a temp." (Pam is so much gutsier than she used to be!) Take a page out of Pam's book (not necessarily with the note-writing thing, but with the delegating thing).

Next example: Everyone has that friend-that's-not-really-your-friend-but-they-think-they-are. I have one of those. The person who always texts you to say, "Hey, we should hang out," even though you've never hung out before and you've never given him or her any reason to assume that you were the kind of aquaintances who would hang out spontaneously. The person who always wants to tell you their problems, even though you've never reciprocated that level of personal interaction by telling them about why you're stressing out. The person who has the uncanny ability to get you alone and then make you feel trapped like a lobster in one of those lobster-crates. (You know what I mean? It's easy to get in, but impossible to get out, and the lobster is like, "How did I get into this mess?!?") This is the type of person who doesn't seem to pick up on subtle hints. Too bad for you, since you're the type of person who only deals in subtle hints, because you don't want to hurt this person's feelings by saying something like, "go away," "I don't care," or "I'm not interested." And now that this person has worn down your last nerve, you really WANT to say one of those things to him or her, but you now realize that since this person mistakes your politeness for genuine interest, he or she thinks you are friends and if you say something blunt, his or her feelings will be hurt.

This is one of those "nice" problems I'm still trying to figure out. One way I've found to be effective is lack of communication; not returning phone calls, texts, or facebook messages. I always hate when guys are like, "why would you lead me on if you weren't interested in me?" when all I did was do what I thought was polite and friendly, like answering the phone, replying to facebook messages with non-committal answers like, "I might be busy...we'll see," and saying hello when I saw them around town. Apparently, things like that can be misconstrued as interest or even flirtation. (What?!?! I know.) So just don't do it. Don't communicate, in any way.

Of course, that doesn't always work, especially if you have to see this person multiple times a week, like if they work with you, go to church with you, or you're in a class together or something. That's the part I don't have figured out, but I think what we really have to do is just have some guts and not be as friendly as we feel obligated to be. Is that un-Christian? I don't know. I really struggle with figuring out how much I need to tolerate being bugged by someone while still treating them as one of God's children, and at what point it's just not fair to me to continue to put myself in what seems like a compromising situation.

It's tough.

I obviously don't have the answers to these problems; this is just what I've worked out so far (and by "so far" I mean over 24 years lol). And if you have anything to add to this discussion, please chime in! I started this blog because I thought there were probably other people out there going through the same things as me; starting new jobs, living alone, dealing with relationships, struggling with independence, etc. This is one of those things I think a lot of us are trying to figure out. So please feel free to share your thoughts, either in the comments or in an email!

Gotta get back to work. Until later!

Random Thoughts!

This is what happens around 1:30 AM or so when I'm at work...I get ahead of schedule, so I get really short-attention-spanned (not a word) and "take a break" to watch something on the CW online (tonight it's 90210 and Priveleged), browse Facebook, and maybe post in my blog. And then by the time I get done doing all that stuff, I'm behind schedule! Ha. So let the procrastination begin...

Random Thought #1: Things That Bug Me~It bugs me when people in front of me drive below the speed limit. Or right at it. I am a 5-miles-over kind of girl, especially when I'm in a hurry to get somewhere. So, speed it up, people!

~It bugs me when people get all stressed out about finding love. I say, stop looking!!! When you go around looking for it, it usually concludes in your compromising for something you don't really want but seems to be better than the alternative, which is being alone. Trust me, the alternative is SO WAY BETTER. Aloneness rocks. For me, anyway.

~It bugs me that librarians always seem to be persnickety. I went to the library today after church and walked in the front door to be met by a librarian with mousy hair (don't they ALWAYS have mousy hair?!). She said very curtly and offendedly, "The library's not open. How did you get in?" I kicked in the door, lady. I wanted to get in the library sooo bad...
"Uh...I just walked in," I said. "The doors were unlocked." I may have copped a bit of a 'tude. What?
"Oh, well the library doesn't open till one," snapped the mousy librarian.
"Oh really? OK! I'll just come back at one, then." I turned around and left, pulling my phone out of my purse on the way to check the time. 12:30. Seriously?

Random Thought #2: Things I Really Like
~I really like this little sandwich shop/cafe on Stadium. It used to be on the other side of campus, but now it's on my way to work and tonight I picked up a sandwich and a pumpkin pie latte on my way in. (P.S. I still don't like coffee, for those of you at home keeping score...I just like gas station/Mac Doodle's cappuccinos, and two things at Starbucks--white chocolate mocha and pumpkin spice latte--and if I get a "real" cappuccino, I have to dump like six sugars in it to tolerate it.) Anyway, having a delicious sandwich and bag of Sun Chips from this little place just makes my day.

~I love finding great deals on clothes, food, shoes, music, and movies. Today I got a box set for $25 that included Singing in the Rain, GiGi, and My Fair Lady. Awesome!

~I love comfortable fall weather. Today I just shut off my AC/heat unit thingy and opened up my window, and it was perfect. Add to the perfection watching GiGi and IMing my little sis, and you get amazing.

Random Thought #3: Good Talk.
I got to have a really good phone conversation with a good buddy today, which is really significant. Because I always feel like he's the kind of guy that just wants to have a good time and talk about funny stuff, not get into serious or emotional topics, so I usually keep it surface level with him...I don't really force it to go deeper, although I'm not opposed to it going there. I just don't want to make him feel bogged down by some old lady who wants to have a grown-up conversation. But today I called and we went surface level for awhile, and then we talked about some stuff that I knew we'd both kind of been concerned with regarding some mutual friendships and such, and it was one of those things where I felt weird bringing it up, but once we went there, we had this great, open conversation and I felt like I got to know him better though it. It was one of those conversations that you start worried that you're going to be out in left field, but then figure out that the other person is totally on the same page. So that was really great. And he's just such a doll, the kind of guy that makes every girl feel like the center of the world when he's talking to her, (which I hear doesn't always work out in his best interests, haha) but speaking plutonically, it's really nice to have that kind of attention. So that also made my day today.

Ok, I think that's all my randomness for one morning.

Love!
Lis

rants of a small-time news producer, part 2

(The Happy Ending)

So yesterday I was REALLY upset (see the previous post). And after 24 hours, I was still upset, but I had calmed down a little and I prayed about it and I wasn't sure what to do; should I confront the people who had upset me, or just suck it up because this is just part of being in this business? Was I being too sensitive, or did I have a valid reason to call them out on their behavior?

After the show this morning, I was talking to one of my anchors, and finally expressed my frusteration about feeling like I had to stick up for myself all the time back in the control room. He had heard some of the comments from the production guys yesterday and thought it was really wrong of them to say I was being biased about what I put in the show, because even joking about that is a big no-no in this business. I found out that he had stuck up for me out on the floor, which made me feel a lot better, and after having a good conversation with him, I felt much better about the whole situation--it was just good to know that someone else got where I was coming from and thought my feelings were justified. So he told me that I should talk to them and tell them that it upset me and everything.

Yikes.

OK, I am good at arguing for the sake of argument, but I am REALLY bad at confronting people about stuff like this. But I took a big gulp and went back to the production office to talk to the guys.

And, like a big dork, I immediately burst into tears the moment I started explaining why I was upset. I hate that I'm a crier, because it makes people feel really bad and really uncomfortable, and confrontation is uncomfortable enough without me being in tears. But I trucked on through and explained that I was really upset by their comments and that I considered them friends, which is why I cared so much about getting mutual respect from them. And they said they didn't realize it upset me that much and that they don't really think I'm biased about my job and that I'm the best producer they've ever had and that they were jerks and were just shooting their mouths off and that I shouldn't take them seriously, but that they would try harder to be more considerate of how their comments affected me. They gave me hugs and we were friends again, and hopefully they're not going to feel weird around me tomorrow!

So needless to say, I feel a lot better about things, and I want to thank Kelsey for the prayers because I think talking to my anchor was a little nudge from God to not chicken out of sticking up for myself.

And tomorrow is Friday! And a payday! And my internet is working again!

Lots of reasons to be happy. The end. :)

rants of a small-time news producer

(Warning - I'm pretty upset.)

OK.

I hate when people spout their opinions with blatent disregard for anyone around them who may not agree with what they say.

Working at a TV station, especially during an election year, it could go without saying that politics naturally becomes a topic of conversation during the newscast. And my show's production crew happens to have quite a few people who are passionate and opinionated about what they believe politically. Most of them share similar beliefs. I tend to hold the opposite viewpoint of the majority in the control room, and this has been increasingly difficult for me to deal with. Here's why: I am also passionate and opinionated about what I believe, and I also like to argue for the sake of argument. But I am also responsible for choosing the content of the newscast. So what happens is, I voice my opinion in response to the numerous opinions so eagerly shared around me, because it feels wrong to just sit there and have to listen to someone else's remarks without getting to add your own. But then those people call me out for putting content in the news that supports or is related to my personal beliefs, even though 9 times out of 10 I add stories that have nothing to do with my point of view, my political alignment, or my own personal beliefs. Most of the time, my preferences are not at all represented in the news. But when they are, I get a hard time for it. I get called "bias." And that's something that I take to heart, because I am very passionate about balanced and fair news reporting and I take very seriously my responsibility to balance my shows.

Here's the hardest part--the person who gets me the most upset, who makes the most arbitrarlity judgemental comments, who says things that offend me, who doesn't want to hear or respect MY opinions and beliefs even though I have to listen to all of HIS, is also the person that at one time I felt like was my closest friend there. And in the past few months, I feel more and more like he isn't really my friend, because he doesn't respect the fact that I have different beliefs and that I am entitled to those beliefs. He speaks condescendingly and gives off the attitude that no intelligent person would dare disagree with him.

I have NO problem with people having and sharing opposing opinions. But I don't think you should EVER make someone feel stupid for having an opinion or a belief that is different than yours. Isn't that what it's all supposed to be about here? And especially if someone is your friend, shouldn't you be all the more willing to respect--even if you don't accept--that person's point of view?

What really stinks is that I could argue all day with this guy and it wouldn't matter because he is the kind of person who finishes an argument with "you're stupid." Which makes me realize that all the intelligent arguments in the world wouldn't make a difference because they still wouldn't make him RESPECT (again, not "agree with" or "accept," just "respect") my beliefs. And so I often just give up debating altogether because I know it's pointless and it's going to get me nowhere.

If I didn't value this person as a friend, I wouldn't care this much. But the fact that I consider him a friend is what makes this bother me a lot! I have been thinking for months now about talking to him about it, but I'm just afraid he would think I'm being really lame and then make fun of me for it, or get mad and defensive and then get everyone else to gang up against me and act all weird around me. But I guess if he does either of those things, he really ISN'T my friend after all, and then the problem will be solved anyway because then I won't have to care about what he says. It'll just make my job suck a little bit. Because one of the things I liked best was working with people I love.

Anyway, this has really been stressing me out for a long time now, but it all kind of collapsed in on me mentally and emotionally this morning. It just gets to me after awhile, because not only do I feel like I have to single-handedly defend my personal beliefs, but I also feel like I have to defend the content that I put in the show, as well as stand up for the news reporters when the production people rip them apart for "stupid" news and "stupid" video and "stupid" writing. Because it's easy to bash someone else's work when they aren't there to defend it themselves, and when you're not the one who has to go out and cover all kinds of tedious meetings and fundraisers and then put everything together in an understaffed department. It just sucks to have to be the only one sticking up for myself or for others...ALL the time. Every day. It's wearing me out.

A lot of times, people just don't know what they're talking about in general. Now I've moved on to our viewership. People call in asking why we only covered a story in the morning but not at noon or in the evening. Well, if they'd been watching any time during the ENTIRE DAY BEFORE, they'd realize we ran that story in every newscast--why do you think it was on this morning?!! Another guy calls in to say that police around here are racist because a white guy leaves his kid in the car while he's in the store and nothing happens, while a hispanic woman leaves her kid in a Walmart and there's a search warrant out for her. Well, if this guy watches the news more than once a month, he'd know that the woman has been ALL OVER the news because she ABANDONED her son...as in, never hoping to see him again!!! And then we have the folks on the opposite end of the spectrum who call in to tell me that they think there should be a law that bans the speech of foreign languages in public places, because "how do we know they're not saying something bad about us?" I don't know, maybe you should LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND EDUCATE YOURSELF!!! People call us to ask if they're going to get cancer from living by a wind farm. People call and tell me about how they saw Bigfoot while they were hunting. People call at 2 in the morning to ask me why a Mexican immigrant gets hired for a job while they are home unemployed. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP AND LOOK FOR A JOB IN THE MORNING INSTEAD OF STAYING UP ALL NIGHT COMPLAINING TO ME!!!

Apparently, I'm not allowed to have an opinion. I just have to listen to everyone else's, no matter how misinformed I think THEY are, and give everyone the equal opportunity to express themselves while they display a total lack of sensitivity for the fact that maybe someone else disagrees with them. But no, apparently to some people, their opinions are as good as fact, and I'm just supposed to accept that. And if I don't, then I'm stupid, or bias, or unpatriotic, or racist, or out of my mind.

I devoted most of my college academic career to studying various topics of media and political science. I guess that's why I'm the producer and can make intelligent, fair decisions about how to put together a show. I devoted my heart to Jesus, who blesses me every day. I guess that's the only reason I have any patience to deal with the stuff I get thrown at me at work every day. One of the things God wired into my personality is a huge capacity for acceptance. Accepting people and ideas that are different than me. It just frusterates me that it's so hard for other people to be accepting sometimes.

God, help me to accept the struggles that face me, too! And please give me the patience to do it! Amen!

It feels a lot better just getting all of this out. I'm sorry to anyone who actually read all the way through it; I'm sure it took a long time. But thanks for listening, if you did read any of this!

Whew. I feel better.

gas station guy

Yeeeahhh...

Tonight I had to fill up my car after coaching color guard in Monticello, so I just went to this gas station right across from where you turn in to get to the high school. And since I've been driving a lot, I thought I should probably check my oil. I used to do this every time I filled up, but I haven't done it in awhile...which was obvious tonight...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

OK, so I get out to start pumping gas when this guy pulls up in a suburban and parks at the pump on the other side of the pump station I'm at. And uh...he's cute. I mean, I'm just saying. I just may have happened to notice that. But whatever.

Well for some reason the little card thing isn't working at my pump, so I go inside to pre-pay. I come back out and start fueling, and pop the hood so I can check the oil. Now in the old days when I used to drive the little Neon, I used to pride myself in this a little because guys would always be like, "You need help?" to which I would say, "Nope" and easily open the hood to check the dipstick for my oil level...but in the red Grand Am, it's always hard to feel the little latch that opens the hood in front, so I am feeling around and finally I just crouch down to try and look for it...which obviously makes me look like a dumb blonde who has no clue what she's doing.

Re-enter cute surburban driver, who apparently had already walked back out of the station and hopped in his car to leave. He leans out of his window.

"You need help?"

Dang it.

"Uh...no--I mean, I just can never find the latch to lift the hood..."

Hot suburban dude parks, hops out of the car and comes over to help. Luckily I'm not a total idiot and I'm able to figure out how to get the hood up. Now that he's already out of the car and standing next to me.

"Thanks," I say as he helps me hold the hood while I get it propped up. He says it's no problem, gets back in his suburban, and pulls out of the station.

Alone again, I can't figure out what makes me feel more stupid...the fact that I looked like I didn't know what I was doing with my own car, or the fact that I didn't just stand back and let him help. Maybe I should have used that opportunity to strike up a conversation?

I just never want to be That Girl that makes people go, "she can't do anything for herself." But I don't know...Is it sometimes better to play the "oopsie, I don't get how this works" card, to accept a little help even if I shouldn't need it, especially in this case when he went out of his way (and out of his car) to give me a hand? Instead of proving how much I DO know? Maybe it wasn't about me looking like I didn't know what I was doing; maybe it was about him wanting to help? I don't know...

Not that it matters now...I can probably bet that I won't be seeing hot gas station guy again any time soon.

Dang it.

scratching an itch

I feel really bad writing this.

I'm getting that itchy feeling of being on or near the edge of the dating world again. And I can't really explain it in a way that makes more sense. It's like, I feel like I'm getting dragged back there...and I'm like, "Oh God..." You know? I dunno. It's like a roller coaster--one of the ones where your feet are dangling, and there's nothing holding you in but that little seat with the harness, and you have to ride the whole thing upside down and backwards--it's like one of those roller coasters, and the people you're at the amusement park with are like, "Let's all ride it!" and you're like, "You guys ride, I'll watch and take pictures!" But they like, REALLY really want you to go with them, and even though you know it would probably be fun to go with everyone else, you still REALLY really feel like no one could ever pay you enough money to get on that ride.

So it's like, I just get this itchy feeling that people are starting to realize I'm single, and have been for awhile. But it's like, people sort of assume at that point that you're ready to jump back in or you're looking, or waiting, for something to happen. But I'm REALLY not. And it's not like anyone has really asked me out recently or anything, but...aggh I don't know how to explain it. It's just -- and I do NOT mean this to sound at all conceited -- but I keep worrying that someone's going to try to ask me on a date, and even though I know it would probably be fun, I just feel like I REALLY really don't wanna. I mean, in case anyone asks. Which they're not. But gah! I still feel itchy. And I just had to get that off my chest.

Sorry it doesn't make any sense! Whatever!!!!!!!