I will smack you.

"...And the pressure has turned me into something that I never wanted to be! A bitch!"
~Joan Cusack, School of Rock


Anger.

I am not a person who thrives on or enjoys being angry. I'm one of those people who wishes that everyone always got along and liked each other, and that confrontations didn't exist because there was no need for them. I forgive pretty easily...maybe a little too easily, in some cases. I hate holding grudges. I want to be friends with everyone. And I usually can't stay mad at someone for very long, even if they did something that was really wrong or unfair. I just don't like to be mad.

But lately, I feel like I have been.

And here's the thing; when I get mad, my natural impulse is to want to make violent and ridiculous threats and/or resort to physical battery. Now, I don't act on these impulses. Instead I usually just try to keep my mouth shut after making my argument, or I go vent to someone I can trust, and usually I just shake all over like one of those tiny dogs that lack the body heat to be warm ever.

But all of these stupid threats keep rolling around in my head lately, and I am really afraid that I am going to actually shout one out one of these days. For example, the other day I got frusterated with someone at work for being lazy, and I wanted to tell them that I was going to plant my pointy-toed shoe so far up his ask* that he wouldn't find it for a week. That's not good. Also, I felt like telling someone else at work that I wanted to punch them in the teeth. But most frequently, my silent, inner-monologue threat impulse just keeps saying to everyone, "I will smack you."

I do not want to actually smack anyone. I'm just afraid I'm going to say it and then get in trouble or fired for making threats to co-workers. But not being a normally angry person, I am having trouble figuring out what to do with the anger since I can't outwardly threaten people. I need an anger outlet, you know?

When I was little, I used to throw temper tantrums, and my mom taught me to punch my pillow. I don't really feel like doing that anymore though. I feel like I need a punching back or something, though.

Am I scaring you yet? I hope I'm not; I can't make it clear enough that I am not an outwardly violent person AT ALL. But I feel like inward violence is really dangerous and I need to figure out a way to get it out of my system before I end up doing or saying something hurtful to someone else.

I think I'm just stressed out...I've been putting in a lot of extra hours at work, and running into some conflict and opposition from co-workers, and I haven't been sleeping very much because of those things, and I'm probably stressed out a little over the possibility of looking for another job, and I haven't had a lot of time to clean up my apartment this week, so it's turning into a mess, which is also stressing me out because I can't relax because there's stuff everywhere...and I'm wearing all black today. What is that?!

Sorry for those of you who actually read this stuff because I am letting out a lot of crazy right now. I think this is part of the reason I have a blog, though. I don't want to be this angry little person inside but I feel like most of the time lately (especially at or after work) that's what I am. So...if you want to say a prayer for that, I would appreciate it.

OK, time to get back to work. Thanks for reading/listening and sorry if I scared you. :/


*ask is a reference to that YouTube video where that little girl says if there's a monster in her bedroom she's gonna kick his "ask." It's pretty cute.